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You are also correct Renee' - getting windy & OT aren't we?
Posted by Anonymous from 24.250.160.59 of TX on 6/4/06 3:28pm
Msg #123994
And windy and OT is okay here, but for those who want to know OT from topic - I made that distinction. I am posting this anonymously because of the personal subject matter "just in case." In other words, it will not show up for the entire world to see if a search is done on my posts by curious family members, et al. You know who this is...
I understand and feel compassion for the the other person quite well. But, having been drained of emotional resources on occasion by dispensing too much compassion to users (and to the detriment of myself) in my "real" life, I have a totally different lens to peer through than others. I am circumspect in dispensing compassion as I am very concerned that I reserve plenty of it for my children, most family members and for my friends and myself.
My past has taught me that I have limited resources to care too deeply for the anonymous person who fits some of the criteria mentioned here.
I do not call names and my goal is to be factual and objective when addressing someone directly. There are many personality disordered users here who have senses of extreme self-entitlement.
My extensive experience with these types in everyday life has hopefully taught me something.
I hope that I see the difference between the person who needs help helping themselves, and the person who feels entitled to help--the person who will waste your time being lazy, or in chit chat, or in asking a million questions with no real intent to do anything with the knowledge you share, and then gets angry when you, or hurt, when you try to set your boundaries.
I hope experience has finally taught me to recognize the person who sincerely cares and who wants to be helpful, and the person who wants to be backhanded and subtle in offering too much help so they might gain some sort of foothold in another's life.
Unfortunately, I have come to see the world in those who do, and those who want you to do for them, and those who just want attention.
Do I ever need help? You betcha. I am careful, however, to build relationships with people who offer something to the relationship. as well as give me the opportunity to offer something as well.
I am not a fixer, or a fixer-upper. I accept my friends and those in my close circle at face value and expect them to do the same with me. If I need fixing, I will fix me. If they need fixing, they'll fix themselves. We can share our difficulties and affirm one another but we do not need to rescue one another. Live and let live, so to speak. Offer encouragement and advice, but do not demand it be taken. Sometimes just shut your mouth and listen.
Talking it out can show me answers, but I do not expect others to make my decisions or tell me what to do.
I have a sense of control over my life because I do not expect help from anyone, but hope for it from those close to me.
I have no one to blame my failures on except myself. It's not because so-and-so xxxx'ed me, it's because I let them xxxx me. We have to take responsibility for our own destiny.
I recognize that there are a world of people justified to be unlike me, justified to whine, to exist as they do and that they are as important as I in the big scheme of all things; but I reserve the right to avoid them.
And, now, here is the intersection of where people like me either remain aware of themselves, or tip over into being controlling of the other by urging them into taking charge of their lives. Here is the intersection where the people like me drop the ball and get frustrated with the others who want to whine and pout.
So, have I dropped the ball on the forum? Yep. I drop it more than I should and urge people to do more for themselves because I "know" that's what is healthy and the road to achieving one's goals--if they have them. But, like LkA has so wisely said, this is a message that will never be heard. There is a great deal of wisdom in her philosophy on that.
I am the daughter of a very narcissistic father and step-mother who are both whiners, miserable and textbook hypochondriacs. They live to create dramas around themselves, to draw attention to themselves in whatever method they can--be it in "saving the day" or by "grave illnesses" they mysteriously develop.
They only feel alive if there is an audience seeing their savior behavior, or observing their misery and the way so many people are "mean to us...after all we have done."
It's all in their own little pathetic fantasy. They have manipulated people so long that they are very good at it. If a person falls into their trap they will quickly find themselves drained of time, energy and joy.
Unfortunately, the language these sadly miserable people use is the same language I see here in the anonymous whining so it naturally pushes my buttons. I muse that others who "seem" to lack compassion for the whining have been long-term victims of other overbearing complainers and emotional vampires. We "escaped" and we see these people victimizing themselves and others with these same traits.
We get frustrated and we react. Self-awareness can curb those responses. It's good practice here to learn covering those personal buttons up.
A caustic co-worker is harsh, at times, however, the covert bully is the one who is to be feared.
In the workplace there are bullies who are sneaky and covert in their bully behavior. They only feel good about things when they are able to tear someone else down. They spout how to fix others so they can feel all fixed-up themselves.
They make one subtle attack after another, then when caught they become helpless and oh so pathetic. Many times they victimize good people because they are masters at creating dramas where they are the martyr or they are the rescuer.
I see a lot of this on the forum.
This forum is a wonderful study in human behavior. Understand, that I know right from wrong. The ability to always convey in life that is my goal. I am still a work in progress--however, I am NOT a work stagnated and left in it's pathetic deteriorating condition.
Very good thread. Many good things to ponder.
=============== A very good book on the subjects I touched on here is Nasty People. Excellent reading for people who feel off-balance at times because of "nice" people everyone else seems to love.
