Posted by Jersey_Boy on 7/18/06 1:54pm
Msg #133826

OT- I really need a laugh... tell me a joke n/m

Reply by Lee/AR on 7/18/06 1:57pm
Msg #133827

Re: OT- I really need a laugh... tell me a joke

No joke, but could help ya' with the 'hand to mouth' problem of smoking. Get some lollipops. Gives your hand and mouth something to do. And is soooooo silly-looking that you're not likely to stick with this device for very long!

Reply by Brenda/CA on 7/18/06 2:14pm
Msg #133831

Re: OT- I really need a laugh... tell me a joke

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his
friend and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit
smoking,' his friend says.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says.
'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'What's phase one?'
'I've quit buying.'

Reply by BarbaraL_CA on 7/18/06 2:00pm
Msg #133828

What is the definition of a Tom Cat? .....

A ball-bearing mouse trap!

Reply by Jeanne/ca on 7/18/06 2:03pm
Msg #133829

Re: What is the definition of a Tom Cat? .....

check your email i left you a joke

Reply by hcampersFL on 7/18/06 3:39pm
Msg #133847

Okay its a good one but not very P/C.


Broke Back Mountain Lady
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for
The job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of win e, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.

Reply by Sylvia_FL on 7/18/06 4:38pm
Msg #133854

Re: OT- I really need a laugh... tell me a joke - OK

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's {2005} winners

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Reply by Diga2Lin/FL on 7/18/06 5:05pm
Msg #133857

Re: OT- I really need a laugh... tell me a joke - OK

Very very good...

Reply by Dennis D Broadbooks on 7/18/06 7:27pm
Msg #133886

One of the Funniest Men Alive Today...

Dave Barry

http://jewishworldreview.com/dave/barry.php3

Reply by Becca_FL on 7/18/06 8:23pm
Msg #133905

Jeez Dennis, we actually agree on something? I'm stunned. n/m

Reply by SarahBeth_CA on 7/18/06 8:27pm
Msg #133908

Great post Dennis

That guy has a true gift.

Reply by Dennis D Broadbooks on 7/18/06 8:43pm
Msg #133915

A Friend of Mine...

...sent me an e-mail an hour ago asking if I'd like to meet Dave Barry in person. He's coming to St Louis on the 27th promoting a children's book he's co-authored. I told my friend I'd love to go & see Dave in the flesh. It reminded me I hadn't been to the JWR web site to read his column for this week. I'm uncertain as to whether this is new material or old. I know he's been on a hiatus from his weekly columns, but JWR is now listing him as one of their contributors. In any event his material is timeless & hilarious!

Reply by Becca_FL on 7/19/06 12:18am
Msg #133956

Re: A Friend of Mine...

Dave Barry was in my town last week doing the same at our book store. The crowd was HUGE. We Floridian's love our Dave Barry. Dennis, we have found common ground.

Reply by christiSocal on 7/19/06 12:25am
Msg #133962

the world will Never be the same! lol n/m

Reply by Hugh Nations Signing Agents of Austin on 7/18/06 11:53pm
Msg #133951

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drinking, always had a clean house, never had to cook, and never had a headache.

THE END