Posted by Judith Ann Berlin on 6/18/08 6:55am
Msg #251773
tazer incident
A friend of ours sent to this about the tazer he purchased for his wife. This is a true story.....
My wife and I both work at (a mental health center). She works in the Business
Office, and many times she is the last employee to leave the Admin
Building at the end of the day. Although (the mental health center) is a peaceful place, it
has always worried me some about her walking alone to her car, and
being the last employee out. I was thinking about some sort of personal
protection for her.
Last weekend I saw something at Gander Mountain that sparked my
interest. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized
personal Tazer! The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! I bought the thing and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the sucker and pushed the button. Nothing! I was a bit
disappointed. So I read the instructions. If you pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the two prongs. AWESOME!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife how the burn spot got
on the face of the microwave............................ Okay, so I was
home alone with this new toy, and thought to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Pee Wee looking on intently
(trusting little bastard) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit that I thought about zapping Pee Wee for a
second, but thought better of it. He is a nice cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it works as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in my shorts and tank top, directions in one hand and
Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant, a two second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of body control, a three second
burst would make your assailant flop around on the ground like a fish
out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this cute little device that about 5
inches long and less that 3/4 of an inch thick, and loaded with two
itsy-bitsy AAA batteries. I thought to myself, "no possible way." What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll try my
best........?
I'm sitting there along. Pee Wee is looking at me with his head cocked
to one side as to say, "don't do this, dipshit." I reasoned that a one
second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a little jolt just for the heck of it. I touched
the two prongs to my thigh and pushed the button, and.......HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD!!!.......WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!........WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure the "Incredible Hulk" ran in through the back door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and a strange tingling in my legs!!!
The cat was making strange sounds I had never heard before, and was
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fire place, obviously in
an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as giving yourself a one second
burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute of so later I collected my wits (what little I had left), and
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet away from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling!
Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure, and my
sense of smell was gone! I saw a faint cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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