Posted by Dogmonger, Ca on 8/4/04 2:34pm
Msg #5496
Some humor for the board
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his
Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As
long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms. "
| Reply by Jamie on 8/4/04 3:05pm
Msg #5499
EXPRESS NOTARY - have any dealings w/ them?
| Reply by redonthehead on 8/4/04 4:51pm
Msg #5507
Dogmonger, Thanks for the chuckle, but I think it should be "the little old MAN in the back".
| Reply by Dogmonger, Ca on 8/4/04 5:05pm
Msg #5509
I think it is the law of averages
Us guys burn out fast, kinda like dogs who chase cars, make a lot of noise, attract attention, but we don't last two long:-)
| Reply by Dogmonger, Ca on 8/4/04 5:11pm
Msg #5510
If you liked the first one, this one will tickle your ribs
Being a redneck, I can really appreciate this humor:-)
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby
table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so,
it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The
woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn
blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar. His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind! Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
| Reply by CA_Notary on 8/4/04 5:38pm
Msg #5511
Re: If you liked the first one, this one will tickle your ribs
I don't come to this group to read jokes. If I want to do that I know how to look them up on the internet. Please stop this and stick to the topic of the board.
| Reply by HisHughness on 8/4/04 6:31pm
Msg #5518
Re: If you liked the first one, this one will tickle your ribs
CA_Notary grumped:
***I don't come to this group to read jokes. If I want to do that I know how to look them up on the internet. Please stop this and stick to the topic of the board.***
That opinion is not universal. An occasional anecdote makes a pleasant break from the tedium of copy cost discussions.
| Reply by CA_Notary on 8/5/04 12:29am
Msg #5535
Re: If you liked the first one, this one will tickle your ribs
Hey, I'm all for interjecting a little humor into our discussions here but I really don't think Catskills style jokes as their own thread is the way to do it, nor do I think it's particularly appropriate in a forum like this, especially if the joke involves butt licking and stereotyping a group of people. No, I'm not offended in the slightest, but you know how it goes, somebody is bound to be offended. I know a few black and mexican and gay jokes, does that mean it's appropriate and OK for me to post them in here? I'm sure some people would find them amusing.
Utlimately, I don't see this kind of thread as any different than somebody starting a new thread about their fabulous pre-paid legal services. Sure, one thread is no big deal, but look how quick this guy was to post another one after he got the teensiest bit of positive response. It's kinda like a guy telling a joke at a party - the first one may be funny, but by the tenth one is really really old. So if I'm grumpy because I'm trying to nip it in the bud before it gets to that point, so be it.
| Reply by Dogmonger, CA on 8/5/04 8:33am
Msg #5538
Hey CA_Notary, the thread was clearly marked as humor
if you did not wish to read a joke, you should have never opened and then you clearly could have never been offended. But this is not about political correctness, but about your inability to control the content of this board.
| Reply by CA_Notary on 8/5/04 11:51am
Msg #5552
Re: Hey CA_Notary, the thread was clearly marked as humor
Read for comprehension dude. I specifically said I was NOT offended but others might be. I've seen people take offense by much less than that in this group.
I am not trying to control the content of the board, but when people start posting off topic crap like this it leads to more off topic crap. If the board members don't respect the purpose of the board, why would we expect others to come in and respect it? I don't know if you read any usenet groups, but many groups that were once useful and topical have evolved into a sea of spam because nobody did anything about the off topic posts. Yet some groups still thrive because the members care enough about the group that they actively attempt to keep things on topic. 2 examples below.
http://snipurl.com/896l
http://snipurl.com/896m
And you Dogmonger prove my point about why this IS necessary. Your posting history dates back a whopping 5 days and consists of participating in 2 threads prior to posting your jokes. Whether or not you posted under a different name prior to that I can't tell. I don't know if you're familiar with the content of Netiquitte, but when a brand new member of a group immediately starts posting off topic stuff it's considered rude and boorish.
http://www.fau.edu/netiquette/net/dis.html
And finally I will leave you with this from the Onion, although I'm guessing it's a bit too subtle for you:
My Brother is Going to Love This List of Lawyer Jokes
By Steve Schwantes
I've got a question for you: How do you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving!
That's just one of the countless great zingers on this list of lawyer jokes my wife's friend Kate forwarded to me yesterday. Luckily, I'm on Kate's e-mail forward list, so whenever she gets something funny, I'm sure to get it, along with the 30 or so other people on her list. In turn, I always make sure to forward the stuff I get to people I think would appreciate it—like my brother Jim!
There are about 200 lawyer jokes on this latest list. I haven't actually read them all; I just scrolled down a few pages. I did, however, make sure to forward them to my brother, because I figured he'd enjoy spending 30 to 40 minutes going through it. Same thing goes for the long list of golf jokes I forwarded him last week and the list of blonde jokes the week before.
Now, my brother isn't actually a lawyer. And I don't think he has any lawyer friends. And, as far as I know, he doesn't specifically have anything against lawyers. But who doesn't enjoy a few hundred good-natured jabs at lawyers every now and then? I mean, lawyers are like vultures. In fact, do you know the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles. Boy, my brother is going to love that one!
You know what? Something strange just occurred to me. Even though, for the past two years, I've faithfully forwarded stuff to Jim three or four times a week, he's never sent anything to me. Never. Not so much as one Lewinsky joke. Not one "You Know You're A Redneck If..." list. Not one "Wassssup!" parody. (Not even the one where the rabbis say "Shalom!" instead of "Wassssup!" Have you seen that one? It's hysterical!)
Jim e-mails me occasionally with a friendly message or to ask me a question, so I know his outgoing mail works. I guess his coworkers at the university are so out of the loop that no one sends them any funny stuff. Just between you and me, I once met some of them, and they did seem a little—how can I put this nicely?—brainy.
I've really worked up a good forwarding list of my own, about 25 people in all. Besides my brother and some other relatives, the list includes my wife, a bunch of her coworkers at the pet clinic, the people in my department at J&H Marketing, some of my old high-school buddies, my podiatrist, my insurance agent, and a few folks I met last year on a vacation to Yellowstone. There are also a few addresses on the list, like [e-mail address] and [e-mail address], where I can't remember to whom they belong. Oh, well: Whoever they are, I'm sure they love constantly getting e-mailed funny stuff, like this latest list. Speaking of which, why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
When you forward a mass-forwarded e-mail, you get a good feeling inside. As nice as it is to receive a 10-page list of mommy-mommy jokes, it's even nicer to send that list along to dozens of other people you think would enjoy it, too. Like my brother Jim. Jim is just the sort of guy who appreciates funny stuff like that. To give you an idea of his crazy sense of humor, he once replied to a list of "25 Reasons I'm Late For Work" that I forwarded him. His reply read, "Stop sending me all this crap." Isn't that hilarious? That's exactly why I know he'll love these lawyer jokes!
| Reply by Dogmonger, Ca on 8/5/04 12:06pm
Msg #5554
My last post on this subject
Read for comprehension dude. I specifically said I was NOT offended but others might be. I've seen people take offense by much less than that in this group.
**Then you should have let others voice their opinion.
I am not trying to control the content of the board, but when people start posting off topic crap like this it leads to more off topic crap. If the board members don't respect the purpose of the board, why would we expect others to come in and respect it? I don't know if you read any usenet groups, but many groups that were once useful and topical have evolved into a sea of spam because nobody did anything about the off topic posts. Yet some groups still thrive because the members care enough about the group that they actively attempt to keep things on topic. 2 examples below.
http://snipurl.com/896l
http://snipurl.com/896m
**"I am not trying to control the content of the board, but", your own words say it all. If you didn't open the thread that clearly stated what it contained, then your arguement would be mute
And you Dogmonger prove my point about why this IS necessary. Your posting history dates back a whopping 5 days and consists of participating in 2 threads prior to posting your jokes. Whether or not you posted under a different name prior to that I can't tell. I don't know if you're familiar with the content of Netiquitte, but when a brand new member of a group immediately starts posting off topic stuff it's considered rude and boorish.
**I have read this board for years, and just because I posted some humor to lighten up the topic in ONE thread, makes for a rather brash assumption on your part, and you know what they say about assuming:-)
http://www.fau.edu/netiquette/net/dis.html
And finally I will leave you with this from the Onion, although I'm guessing it's a bit too subtle for you:
My Brother is Going to Love This List of Lawyer Jokes
By Steve Schwantes
I've got a question for you: How do you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving!
That's just one of the countless great zingers on this list of lawyer jokes my wife's friend Kate forwarded to me yesterday. Luckily, I'm on Kate's e-mail forward list, so whenever she gets something funny, I'm sure to get it, along with the 30 or so other people on her list. In turn, I always make sure to forward the stuff I get to people I think would appreciate it—like my brother Jim!
There are about 200 lawyer jokes on this latest list. I haven't actually read them all; I just scrolled down a few pages. I did, however, make sure to forward them to my brother, because I figured he'd enjoy spending 30 to 40 minutes going through it. Same thing goes for the long list of golf jokes I forwarded him last week and the list of blonde jokes the week before.
Now, my brother isn't actually a lawyer. And I don't think he has any lawyer friends. And, as far as I know, he doesn't specifically have anything against lawyers. But who doesn't enjoy a few hundred good-natured jabs at lawyers every now and then? I mean, lawyers are like vultures. In fact, do you know the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles. Boy, my brother is going to love that one!
You know what? Something strange just occurred to me. Even though, for the past two years, I've faithfully forwarded stuff to Jim three or four times a week, he's never sent anything to me. Never. Not so much as one Lewinsky joke. Not one "You Know You're A Redneck If..." list. Not one "Wassssup!" parody. (Not even the one where the rabbis say "Shalom!" instead of "Wassssup!" Have you seen that one? It's hysterical!)
Jim e-mails me occasionally with a friendly message or to ask me a question, so I know his outgoing mail works. I guess his coworkers at the university are so out of the loop that no one sends them any funny stuff. Just between you and me, I once met some of them, and they did seem a little—how can I put this nicely?—brainy.
I've really worked up a good forwarding list of my own, about 25 people in all. Besides my brother and some other relatives, the list includes my wife, a bunch of her coworkers at the pet clinic, the people in my department at J&H Marketing, some of my old high-school buddies, my podiatrist, my insurance agent, and a few folks I met last year on a vacation to Yellowstone. There are also a few addresses on the list, like [e-mail address] and [e-mail address], where I can't remember to whom they belong. Oh, well: Whoever they are, I'm sure they love constantly getting e-mailed funny stuff, like this latest list. Speaking of which, why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
When you forward a mass-forwarded e-mail, you get a good feeling inside. As nice as it is to receive a 10-page list of mommy-mommy jokes, it's even nicer to send that list along to dozens of other people you think would enjoy it, too. Like my brother Jim. Jim is just the sort of guy who appreciates funny stuff like that. To give you an idea of his crazy sense of humor, he once replied to a list of "25 Reasons I'm Late For Work" that I forwarded him. His reply read, "Stop sending me all this crap." Isn't that hilarious? That's exactly why I know he'll love these lawyer jokes!
**Although fascinating your families internet habits, under your own criteria, it really is not appropriate for this board and you should cease and decist for the good all reading the board. Have a great day, although that may not be possible:-)
| Reply by CA_Notary on 8/5/04 12:35pm
Msg #5556
Re: My last post on this subject
Whoosh.
| Reply by Anonymous on 8/5/04 12:59pm
Msg #5559
Re: My last post on this subject
I think CA_Notary suffers from attention deficit disorder and needs something to keep them busy. Why else would you want to continue a thread that you are so against in the first place. Why don't you go back to talking to yourself and when the voice in your head tells you to jump go ahead and listen.
| Reply by HisHughness on 8/5/04 1:43pm
Msg #5560
Re: My last post on this subject
If we're going to engage in internecine spats, they should at least be about the subject matter of the forum. It is pleasant to have a bit of humor now and then, but to turn that into a thread that consumes all others is ridiculous. You want to post a joke, fine, but realize you may be turning off some people. You don't like the joke -- or any joke in this venue -- fine, ignore them. Let's just keep the primary focus on the one thing that unites us, rather than the many that divide us.
Having said that: Did you hear the one about the Aggie notary public...
| Reply by CarolynCO on 8/5/04 8:53am
Msg #5539
Re: If you liked the first one, this one will tickle your ribs
I feel that you have a choice of reading or not according the the subject line.
| Reply by anonymous_nj on 8/4/04 9:52pm
Msg #5528
Re: If you liked the first one, this one will tickle your ribs
so don't read them
| Reply by Dogmonger, CA on 8/4/04 10:47pm
Msg #5531
Who peed in your corn flakes?:-o NM
| Reply by Jed Clampett on 8/5/04 9:15am
Msg #5540
Re: If you liked the first one, this one will tickle your ribs
it would take a redneck to appreciate that "humor"...ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
| Reply by Stephanie/CA on 8/5/04 6:05pm
Msg #5576
Re: Some humor for the board: Dogmonger
Hi "Dude" (smiling)
I appreciate your humor at times & think it is everyone's right to choose if they want to read "off-topic" posts.
I say Thank you for the laughs & I'm sure someone has laughed at me at my expense.
It's good to smile, chuckle and bust a gut laughing; so, again, thank you.
Stephanie
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