Posted by Ernest_CT on 6/17/05 10:58am
Msg #45503

OT: Manners question for the male NSAs

Yesterday I had a signing with a daughter (borrower) and her mother (non-borrower, but on some docs). When it came time for the second witness, the mother got a man in a wheelchair from another part of the house. Which is most polite, to stand and extend a hand for shaking, stay seated and extend a hand, just stand, just stay seated, or ...?

In public I know how to interact with people on crutches, people in a wheelchair, people who are blind or deaf, and other people, but this is the first time that someone has come to meet me at the signing table in a wheelchair. Maybe I'm being overly cautious....

Reply by anonymous on 6/17/05 11:06am
Msg #45504

For me I would stand and shake his hand. A new person enters the room and I would treat him or her as I would anyone else whether in a wheelchair or not. Just my opinion.

Reply by jason_AL on 6/17/05 11:16am
Msg #45506

Ive had this happen a few times myself, I just stand and shake their hand, very polite, short and sweet !

Reply by MaggieMae_CA on 6/17/05 11:30am
Msg #45513

My best friend's husband had polio as a kid and doesn't have use of his right arm/hand. Before my dad was introduced to my friend's husband, I explained the situation and told him that it would be alright to shake his left hand. My dad was really nervous when he met the guy and ended up shaking his right hand. I was totally embarrassed, my girlfriend was stunned didn't know what to say, the guy was totally cool about it and life went on.

Ernest, sometimes the element of surprise can be a good thing. Yes, you weren't sure what to do; but unlike my dad his knowing ahead of time only made him more self-conscious about the situation and he still made a mistake.

Reply by Cris_AR on 6/17/05 11:21am
Msg #45508

I am not male but I will answer anyway. My Dad was in a wheelchair, what he wanted the most was for people to treat him as they had before, look him in the eye and act the same as you would a person who is not disabled.

Reply by Ernest_CT on 6/17/05 11:25am
Msg #45510

Thanks, Cris_AR, that's what I'd normally do ...

... in public. I wasn't sure how to handle the standing/not standing because he was rolling up to the table. Thanks!

Reply by Susan Axelrod on 6/17/05 11:29am
Msg #45512

Re: Thanks, Cris_AR, that's what I'd normally do ...

It is very thoughtful of you to be considering his or hers feelings and what would be most confortable for them. I have been around the disabled population for years and I think they simply want to be treated like all others.

Reply by Melody on 6/17/05 11:58am
Msg #45526

A man watching his manners? Are you single?

Stand and shake.

Kudos to you for being so considerate.

Reply by MaggieMae_CA on 6/17/05 12:09pm
Msg #45531

Back off Melody!

I have more to offer Ernest than you do (I think). I live in San Diego and work in La Jolla, two of the loves of his life ;-)

You're so right Melody, nice guys are hard to find. Ernest is a keeper and he already has a wife so you and I don't stand a chance. Of course, in my case, my hubby would be a bit upset with me if I were to leave him for Ernest.

Reply by HisHughness on 6/17/05 12:52pm
Msg #45550

Re: Back off Melody!

MaggieMae_CA warns:

***You're so right Melody, nice guys are hard to find. Ernest is a keeper and he already has a wife so you and I don't stand a chance. Of course, in my case, my hubby would be a bit upset with me if I were to leave him for Ernest.***

Since Ernest is unavailable, lemme ask: Does either of you have a bass boat?

Reply by MaggieMae_CA on 6/17/05 4:30pm
Msg #45625

No bass boat... BUT

I have an "Absolutely Red" 2005 Scion xA, Special Edition, #98

Wanna go for a ride big boy? ;-) ;-)

Reply by Melody on 6/17/05 1:10pm
Msg #45554

Oh, well! ~~~ sigh

Sounds like the Wife, San Diego, and La Jolla win.

Don't you just love thoughtful and courteous men?

Reply by CarolynCO on 6/17/05 12:13pm
Msg #45532

Ernst, I don't think it's a question for "males" only. I shake everyone's hand -- doesn't matter if they are male or female. If I'm sitting, before they are introduced, or before I introduce myself, I always stand first. I would treat a wheel chair bound person with the same respect -- stand and give them a firm handshake.

Reply by MaggieMae_CA on 6/17/05 12:25pm
Msg #45537

Carolyn... 1965 charm school etiquette dictates

that a "lady" sits when she shakes a hand unless she's already standing or in the event the person she is to shake hands with is an elder, then she should stand. A "lady" extends her hand to a gentleman first and is the one to initiate a handshake. Learned that in Catholic school in a Miss Manners class.

Personally, I stand and give someone a firm handshake. Grew up with two brothers and find I'm more gentlemanly than lady-like.

Point here is there are etiquette guidelines which many of us were taught and those rules are different for males and females. Rules are made to be broken and change with time. I see where Ernest is coming from and admire him for taking the time to ask what the proper thing to do is.

Let's not undermine his intentions with what's politically correct or incorrect in 2005. Not saying you were trying to undermine his intentions, but guys get mixed messages constantly as to what's expected of them by women.

Reply by CarolynCO on 6/17/05 12:37pm
Msg #45542

Re: Carolyn... 1965 charm school etiquette dictates

You're apparently reading too much into my post. No way was I undermining Ernst.

I personally couldn't care less about charm school etiquette or politically correct people. Additionally, I wouldn't have been totally embarrassed had I instructed someone to shake someones left hand and instead they attempted to shake the right hand of a disabled person. Just an FYI, that maybe you can throw in with your etiquette, Boy Scouts always shake with their left hand.

Reply by Eatha/PA on 6/17/05 1:51pm
Msg #45563

Re: Carolyn... Boy Scouts shake with left hand

only with other Scouts and when giving the Boy Scout salute with the right. Right?

Reply by CarolynCO on 6/17/05 12:46pm
Msg #45548

Re: Just to clarify Maggie --

I always stand and I always give a firm handshake. I never went to charm school and I already told you what I think of proper etiquette and Miss Manners. I have been self-employed for 13 years, and my prospects and clients have never complained about my manners.

I was not, and am not undermining Ernst or suggesting that he didn't give a firm handshake!

Reply by MaggieMae_CA on 6/17/05 4:35pm
Msg #45628

Carolyn... Slow down...

I was not trying to ruffle your feathers. I think you were reading more into my reply, that's why I specifically stated that I wasn't saying you were trying to undermind Ernest. Calm down. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Reply by Barbara J Moon on 6/17/05 12:43pm
Msg #45547

My husband is deceased now, but when we married in 1978 he was already in a wheelchair. He was paralyzed in a Grand National race (before Winston Cup) and was the second person ever given lifetime membership in NASCAR. He also was a business owner. Just giving you some background. When we would go out and eat, invariably the waitress would look at me and ask me what he wanted to eat. I wanted to yell that he could talk he just couldn't walk!

He always put people at ease though, and especially was honest when children would ask why he couldn't walk. I agree with the poster above that said disabled people don't want to be treated differently. Thank you Ernest for your thoughtful consideration.

Reply by anonymous on 6/17/05 2:21pm
Msg #45569

Re: OT: Manners question for the male NSAs-To Barbara

Don't you think Barbara, sometimes its the other folks who are more uncomfortable in not knowing how to respond to disabled people, and not the disabled. When all they really have to do, is act natural. It is also nice to hear of NASCAR kindness. I know several folKS that follow the NASCAR CIRCUIT, plan their entire work year around it.

Reply by BMoon_FL on 6/17/05 3:09pm
Msg #45596

Re: OT: Manners question for the male NSAs-To Barbara

I think you are correct, it is difficult to know how to respond. About NASCAR, the local stock car track is NASCAR sanctioned and while my husband was alive we built the car and sponsored one son-in-law who was the track champion in 1995 and then my youngest daughter was champion in her class in 1996, 1997 and 1998. The whole extended family was involved. I guess it is good that all that is in my past because I don't know how I would manage to do my signings and still be their biggest cheerleader each week at the track.

Reply by anonymous on 6/17/05 5:11pm
Msg #45648

Re: OT: Manners question for the male NSAs-To Barbara

Yes, it might be difficult to fit your signings in but what a wonderful family interest!

Reply by ERNA_CA on 6/17/05 4:05pm
Msg #45618

Not male, but I have a few friends that are in a wheel chair. Act exactly as you would if the person was simply sitting in a regular chair.
From being around them for years, I have noticed that the worst thing folks can do is start fussing, offering help etc. Just act the same as you would if the person was not disabled, they will ask for assistance if they need it.

Reply by Ernest_CT on 6/18/05 6:59pm
Msg #45914

Thanks, all of offered opinions!

I'm blushing here at having had so many nice things said.

The question got answered very well. The answer ("stand and shake his hand") is consistent with what I'd do in public situations. My question was based on him being wheeled to take his place at the table when the rest of us were already seated.

Thank you again!