Posted by Charm_AL on 6/24/05 2:10pm
Msg #47501

OT: getting ready for vacation...

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.

When I was a child in the 1970s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped out of marble. The mature woman has a choice she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's
Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersize cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre pubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh, there YOU are!" she said, admiring the bathers. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day.
I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally I found a costume that fitted. A two piece affair with shorts style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge friendly, so I bought it. When I got home I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water," but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand

Reply by Cherilyn in CO on 6/24/05 2:58pm
Msg #47516

LMAO!

That it probably one of the funniest posts I've read in quite a long time. I can totally relate 100%!

Gads how I hate shopping for a bathing suit!

Reply by BrendaTx on 6/24/05 3:07pm
Msg #47520

Re: LMAO!

Yeah, and how I envy those indifferent, bitchy two-ton Tessies that have always populated the beach and swimming pools with their other beached whale buddies...they have nice-looking obedient husbands and probably have never had to go have the oil changed in the car. Mean fat women really do know how to enjoy life and to keep their men in line.

Reply by janIn on 6/24/05 3:27pm
Msg #47525

I was melting here in 95 degree heat and you just made my day!! Still laughing!!

Reply by TitleGalCA on 6/24/05 4:33pm
Msg #47534

Thank you thank you for the laugh...still laughing...

I am having the worst friday in history, EOM, EOQ, cranky EO's, last minute recordings, a signing I couldn't accept (aaargh) and...you made my day! I'm still laughing - and can so relate.

***I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.***

I'd be embarrassed to show up at a salon with a request for "a brazilian". I think the waxing gal would wonder just who in the heck I'd be trying to impress when all the other parts just wouldn't match to create that total package look, if you know what I mean...

thanks for making my day, Charm!

Reply by Stephanie Santiago on 6/24/05 5:15pm
Msg #47546

Re: OT: getting ready for vacation/ROTFLMAO...

thank you for the Friday laugh!

Reply by SarahBeth_CA on 6/24/05 5:36pm
Msg #47552

Re: OT: getting ready for vacation/ROTFLMAO...

Holy cow that was funny. Now you all know why I decided not to get a swim suit so I could take the kids in the pool at the "family reunion". Instead my hubby sat on the side of the pool next to our youngest in his swim shorts and a t-shirt. He talked me into giving him a break but not without me expressing my displeasure as I was wearing jeans. And wouldn't you know it as soon as I hiked up the pant legs of my jeans and put my feet in, my youngest splashed. You guess it; soaked me between the legs. It wasn't a pleasant feeling to walk around like that till they dried. Not to mention the fact that I looked like I had an accident. The solution for the next time is a wet suit.

Reply by Stephanie_CA on 6/24/05 5:59pm
Msg #47560

SarahBeth....It's "Bathing Costume" not swim suit LOL n/m

Reply by SarahBeth_CA on 6/24/05 6:03pm
Msg #47562

Re: SarahBeth....It's "Bathing Costume" not swim suit LOL n

with the emphasis on "Costume"...LOL

Reply by missy_socal on 6/24/05 6:30pm
Msg #47565

"bathing costume"

So funny! I had to send that to my mom and sisters....

Insult to Injury:
What makes it all even worse, is how stinking much they charge for those two teeny scraps of fabric. My husband and I were at the mall last month, and we got him a new bathing suit. He didn't even try it on (a whole other REALM of unfair), and he could have bought THREE new suits for the price of my one. Maybe the price goes up proportionally to the amount of fabric they take away. ;-P

Reply by christi/socal on 6/24/05 7:18pm
Msg #47580

I've been wearing that disney floral hippo costume for

years. I'd decided to get a new one this year, but have been putting it off. You just reminded me why I've been hesitating!!! ( I hate summer)

Reply by Roberta/or on 6/25/05 9:55am
Msg #47691

Re: Thank You Charm.................

This IS a keeper!!!!!
I just went through this...Mortified was how I came home, and was not sure why....
till your post !!!!
Loved it !!!

Reply by Charm_AL on 6/25/05 10:26am
Msg #47698

Re: Thank You Charm.................

WElcome....a sense of humor is essential in life

I try to laugh everyday about something