Posted by CarolynCO on 11/6/05 8:04pm
Msg #74731

OT - Older Parents

For everyone with older parents, if you haven't already done it, you need to sit down with them and find out where all the important papers are that you will need once they pass. I lost my Dad 14 years ago and Mom will be 80 in April. She called me this morning and I have been at her house all day long. Even though I am the baby, I'm the person she's designated to handle everything.

Hopefully, she will be around for many more years, but she wanted to give me all the bank account numbers which aren't listed in her will, her birth certificate, social security card, Dad's discharge papers -- he's buried at Ft. Logan National Cemetery and she will be also. Both Mom and Dad had prepaid all their funeral arrangements in the late '80's, and I'm going to need those records, as well. She also gave me Dad's birth certificate and their Marriage License. I've had her original will and a copy of her living will since they were prepared 4-5 years ago.

She insisted I bring all the paperwork home so I will have it. to keep with the will She also insisted I call as soon as I got home because she was afraid of me getting in a car accident and all of her identity scattered along the interstate.

She showed me what dress she wants to be wearing and where all the "love letters" Dad wrote during their 50 years of marriage because she wants to be buried with them in the casket, as well. Arthiritis has kept her from wearing her wedding rings for the last few years but Dad was buried wearing his ring and she wants to be buried wearing hers, so I have her wedding rings locked with all the papers/records. Everything I will possibly need is now at my house -- except for the love letters which she won't give me because they are for no one to read, but I will be able to retrieve from their hiding place in her house when the time comes.

Reply by Charles_Ca on 11/6/05 8:20pm
Msg #74732

Re: OT - Older Parents, That's very poignant Carolyn

Also don't forget to identify and keep all of the photo's. When my mother passed on she was living with my sister, and to this day I have no idea why but, my sister destroyed all of the family photo's. I also know people who have made a video or audio history of the family from the parents' perspective. My Grandfather died just before my highschool graduation. I have always missed him but there were so many things I wanted to know about him that I never had a chance to find out. Parents and Granparents are a precious commodity and when they are gone so much of who we are is gone with them.

Reply by CarolynCO on 11/7/05 9:01am
Msg #74769

Re: OT - Older Parents, That's very poignant Carolyn

Charles,
Yep, I have been the *holder* of *all* the family photos back to the 1800s for a couple of years. For years they were kept in boxes or dresser drawers and I'm proudly displaying them throughout the house. I've been the only one ever interested in the family research. I'm always dragging home *something* old that belonged to past relatives -- if not photos, a piece of furniture, book, knick-knack, lock of hair and things my husband just rolls his eyes at. My sister is not interested in the past or the old and would surely destroy it all just as your own sister did. Where we came from, even if we didn't know the people, is a part of our past, that should never be lost or forgotten.

Reply by Teddog_CO on 11/6/05 8:43pm
Msg #74735

Great words of advice Carolyn

Both my parents are gone now. Thank God they made sure their wishes would be carried out as they wanted.

Thank God for all the great parents out there. You can see clearly some of the Super Great adults that they raised even here on this board.

Teddog

Reply by christiSocal on 11/6/05 10:06pm
Msg #74738

Re: Great words of advice Carolyn

What a smart mom you have! I also want to urge people to look thru old pictures with your parents/grandparents. 16 years ago my grandmother and great aunt went thru several boxes of pics of their side of the family, from the 20's on up. We wrote names, they told me stories, but I sure wish I could go back and learn more! My sister and I are trying to put them all in albums along with the history we know, because if we don't our kids will never know any of this and too much has been lost already. Anyway do this while you can- time passes way too quick.

Reply by Calnotary on 11/6/05 10:42pm
Msg #74740

Re: Great words of advice Carolyn

My dad passed away 2 years exactly yesterday (Nov 5, 2003) I watched the funeral video
and I cried just like 2 years ago, but it felt good after you cry for a few moments. The rest
of the family didnt wanted to see it, but they agreed and it was very sad, but you feel better
after you cry and put out all the sadness you carry in your heart.

Reply by Brasring_Ca on 11/6/05 11:12pm
Msg #74745

It is so reassuring to know that we can educate and help people in so many ways inside this forum. I am so grateful for all of the terrific advice and knowledge, both off the topic and related to notary business, that is shared here. You are all special people and I would like to say thank you for all that you all give to each of us! Jenifer

Reply by PJM/MI on 11/7/05 6:58am
Msg #74751

Excellent advice.. .not just for older parents, but for all of us with children. I learned when my mother passed away unexpectedly what chaos can follow.
I have everything in order and my oldest son knows where all my important papers are. My wonderful companion knows where everything is also, as I intrust him to make sure things are properly taken care of.

Reply by Marlene_USNA on 11/7/05 9:16am
Msg #74771

Excellent words of advice, thanks for sharing them. I'm glad I listened when my parents were ready to talk and didn't just brush them off with, "Oh, you'll be here for a long time yet." They wanted to make it easy on my brother and me, and now it will be. And I'm returning the favor, am in the process of setting my own house in order if something should happen to me first.

Reply by srnotary_CA on 11/7/05 9:27am
Msg #74776

I agree things happen all to quicly. My mom passed away almost two years ago.December 1st. My mom and dad had prepurchased and were paying o their cemetery plots. We learned then to read all the fine print. We had to come up with the money to pay it off because she died from something not covered on the agreement. I am also the youngest and the one trusted with all of my fathers things.

ANother woerd of advice make sure you know and read the fine print so that you are not hit in your time of mourning with things from left field. I hav egone through all of my dads papers with him and I know where he keeps everyting. He has also named me beneficiary on all bank accounts and life insurance he has so that we don't run into the problem we had with mom. SHe had her own bank account and no beneficiary on it so we could do nothing about the fuinds she still had in her account. Short of a court order. These things are always hard and there is a lot you can do to make them easier so you can deal with the most important thing taking care of the arrangements for that loved one and the ones left behind.

Reply by MB_AZ on 11/7/05 9:21am
Msg #74774

Also, having them set up a Living Trust is important. So when the trustee passes, property, bank accounts, etc will not be tied up in probate for sometimes over a year.

Reply by Cherilyn_CO on 11/7/05 11:55am
Msg #74813

I love your mother, Carolyn...

your post has left me misty eyed. What well thought out plans!

Her wanting to be buried with her rings and love letters tells me that their marriage was one in a million. It's rare these days to hear of a love like that.

Reply by CarolynCO on 11/7/05 1:13pm
Msg #74840

Re: I love your mother, Carolyn...

Thank you so much, Cherilyn. I drove all the way home yesterday down I-70 crying like a baby. I've got her rings all clean, shiny and sparkling. I've tied them together with a ribbon -- hopefully, they will occupy my jewelry box for quite a while. You are right -- they did love each other very much. I would love to read the letters, but I understand it's *their* own special and private love.

Reply by srnotary_CA on 11/7/05 1:25pm
Msg #74845

Re: I love your mother, Carolyn...

It is nice to know that there are other couples out
that have or had the kind of love my parents did.
It is something special to see growing up and to know
that it is possible to find your own.

Reply by TitleGalCA on 11/7/05 10:36pm
Msg #74938

Re: OT - Older Parents - Carolyn

Carolyn, this speaks volumes about you - how tough was yesterday for you??!!! Thanks for reminding us.

You have so many great qualities - it's clear that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You're special, and I for one appreciate all the input you give on this forum. It wouldn't be the same without you....screw lurking! Post away my friend, you're needed

Reply by BrendaTx on 11/7/05 11:44pm
Msg #74956

Re: OT - Older Parents - CarolynCO

Carolyn, my mom just left from a visit.

I get so put out with my own mother sometimes, but I know it will be so hard when she's not around. Thank you for your post about your own mom...it is wonderful your parents had so much together.

My mom has been married twice. Her second husband is dead now. She and her Boy Toy (naw, I'm kidding...he's her age) were here and she was sitting beside me when I read your post. Afterwards, I just wanted to hide the car keys so they'd stay another day with me after I read what you wrote.

I could have started sniffling, but I didn't. If I'd have read it to her, she'd have just brushed off the sentiment because getting mushy with me is just too much for her, but that's okay.

My mother was married to my dad when she was young and that was a nightmare in Texas...then she married my wonderful step-dad and that was a really sensible and calm marriage of 30 years based on mutual respect. The last four years she's been running around the countryside with Warren and they act giddy like two fifteen year old kids.

Fortunately, Warren is a really good person with a lot of appreciation for Mother. They can be in the middle of a family barbeque and I look at them and they are whispering to each other, or Mother is doubled over laughing at one of his REALLY corny old man jokes...or I'll be in the grocery store with them and they start waltzing to the Blue Danube. His wife was bedridden for 20 years before she died.

Sometimes life does things backwards.

At any rate, again, thank you for your post as it was very timely. I have trouble seeing my mother as an aging person. It was good for me to be reflective and to remember that she won't always be here. I do not look forward to that time. I'll be a little more patient and a little more appreciative because you shared.

In the moment to moment days of these "big" notary businesses we run, it's good to retrain our gazes on something that is truly meaningful.