Posted by Bonnie_CO on 1/10/06 1:31pm
Msg #87375

Teens, Cell phones & text msgs...OT

My teen was telling about how the big thing going around here with teens is to random text cell phone #'s, just make up a phone # & send a text msg. They are meeting all kinds of guys all over the US. I found out my 16 yr old was doing that and reached a married man, then the man's wife messaged her back that he was married. After that the man messaged her back saying that was ok, he was divorcing her anyway, and she had already told him she was 16! Guess who no longer has access to a cell phone? Time to go back to the chastity belt and no going anywhere without a chaperone! This child has a rep as a "good girl" and straight a's for grades, she says all the girls are doing that to meet guys....(??)

Reply by TitleGalCA on 1/10/06 1:36pm
Msg #87376

Wow, Bonnie, that's as scary as internet chat rooms. Does she pay for her own phone? I would think that kind of random text messages would show on the bill and make you wonder.

My kids did the "all the other kids are doing that" routine too. My standard answer was always the same...."I'm not parenting all the other kids, I'm in charge of you, and the answer is still no".

Reply by Bonnie_CO on 1/10/06 1:45pm
Msg #87378

I didn't allow her a cell until she turned 16, which was in Dec. My plan has unlimited text msg. on it so it doesn't show.
When she tries to feed me the "other kids" thing I just say: "Yeah, So? I'm not THIER mother!"
I guess they just don't realize how dangerous what they are doing is! Must be nice to be immortal and untouchable! LOL!

Reply by Charm_AL on 1/10/06 2:09pm
Msg #87383

Bonnie, it is a very scary world out there when you have teen girls. There seems to be a pedophile on every block and in more than a few in every chat room. My girls got cell phones, no text messaging though.
You really have to police everything they do because of the vulnerability of the age/hormones, wanting to be a woman, etc.
I've always had a healthy communication with them about everything in life, including sex. I told them about abstinence and protection, etc but always said that even if I don't want them to experience this until the proper circumstances, I would still want to know when they feel they are ready and help make the right decisions.
It made me nauseous when my then 18 year old declared she was ready and asked me to take her to get on the pill. After a tiring discussion and half a bottle of wine (me) she decided maybe she wasn't ready after all.
There's a huge community of men from all walks of life that would give anything to get with a young girl. Very scary!
It's not easy living through these things but open communication and an open mind from a young age helped me tremendously as they grew into young woman.

Reply by CarolynCO on 1/10/06 2:55pm
Msg #87387

unfortuntely, while granted boys can't get pregnant, they are just as susceptible.

Reply by cntrlcalntry on 1/10/06 3:00pm
Msg #87389

Re: 800 texts one month and 900 the next..

But god forbid you take it away and they have an emergency.
Very Scary

Reply by mjfuller on 1/10/06 3:01pm
Msg #87390

Bonnie: It's a new and dangerous electronic world out there. You may also want to take a look at www.myspace.com. Do a search for your daughter's name, including nicknames. This is a very popular site and many kids have a profile there. You have to be a "friend" to get past the first profile page of an individual (unless they have it set for everybody), but at least you'd know that she is using that site. The site is not a bad one by definition, but it often contains profiles for mature audiences and can be used by pedophiles and perverts to make contact with unsuspecting users (i.e. children). Although I have only one teenager left in the house (age 15), he does not have Internet access in his bedroom and must use the "family" computer to chat with friends out in the open space of our family room. Now we also have to be concerned about how they're accessing the Internet through cell phones and other small and portable hand held devices. It's a double standard and all children are at risk, but I would be much more protective with a daughter.

Reply by Stamper_WI on 1/10/06 3:19pm
Msg #87397

mine has to pay for the text messages and anything over the base plan....that put a stop to things. Those roaming charges hurt!

Reply by Anonymous on 1/10/06 3:21pm
Msg #87398

Re: great idea! n/m

Reply by ILNot on 1/10/06 4:24pm
Msg #87414

Agree with mj - OT

Having one computer in the house has saved our family. Although this can be a burden for me too sometimes, it has kept my kids from being locked up in their rooms. When my kids are chatting or checking out their myspace i can look over their shoulders. .... if you see your kids write POS, that means Parent Over Shoulder. They are telling their buddies that you are in the room.

btw, Bob's response cracked me up.

Reply by Bob_Chicago on 1/10/06 3:31pm
Msg #87401

Secret to effortless child raising

Send them off as soon as they start talking and let
them come back when they are married.
Admittedly, it is tough to talk them into doing this, as
they want you to feed , clothe , house, educate and nurture them until they
are 18, and usually way beyond that.
What's up with that?
My wife and I raised three of them to successful adulthood, without
any major "bumps in the road" and are now enjoying our garandchildren
and one grand dog.
We attribute this to our superb parenting skills, extensive study and use
of available resources , but mostly to plain , dumb luck.
Nobody had ready access to cell phones or the internet when they were growing up
but there sure were plenty of opportunities for "better living through chemisty"
You do the best you can, love them a lot, keep a good sense of humor, and
remember the words of Abraham Lincoln, "And this too shall pass"
Good Luck, they usually turn out fine either because of or, more likely, in
spite of anything that you do or fail to do.
Gotta run

Reply by CarolynCO on 1/10/06 4:22pm
Msg #87413

Re: Secret to effortless child raising

My husband always said the reason babies are so cute is so you don't flush them down the toilet before they become teenagers. When ours became 13 and people would ask how old he was, my husband would always say: 13 going on death. 16 was a difficult year because his birthday is in October and got held back a year when beginning kindergarden because his birthday missed the cutoff in September. Therefore, he was anywhere from 4, 6, 7, 9 and 10 months older than his classmates. He was the only one driving and the only one with a vehicle. It was a trying year. I survived by simply going to bed and not listening to the sirens or waiting for the police or ambulance to call. 16 made us immune to 17 and 18 and then he was off to college. He was 45 minutes away -- far enough to not know what he was doing every second, but close enough in case ... <g>

If we had to do it over again, we would not have had only one child. My philosophy was you teach them right and wrong and hope they know the difference.

There were no cell phones but pagers when he was teen. There was no internet or chat rooms. Instead of 250+ TV channels, I think there was basically local channels and HBO.

It was hard being a parent and teenager 15 years ago, although from people I know and things I read, there are more temptations today. Today, as back then, a parent doesn't know how far to push -- 3 of our son's close friends committed suicide during their teens. Push them too far and too hard and you will push them away. Don't push them hard enough and you will push them away. Unfortunately, they didn't come with instruction books.

My suggestion is be there all the time, but let them *know* that you are there when they need you. Discipline, love, but still give them freedom, independence and privacy. And I'll never forget what a mother who had already been through it told me "as hard as it is, some day, without any warning or even signs, they are going to wake up and ask for your opinions, guidance and want to talk and not ashamed to be seen with you" -- and it did happen.

Reply by CarolynCO on 1/10/06 4:47pm
Msg #87419

Re: oh, I almost forgot ...

When our son came home the first weekend after beginning college he was sporting one earing. It didn't bother me -- many of my attorneys wore earings. Additionally, I knew that if we didn't say anything, he'd soon grow tired of it and quit wearing it. But *Mr. Marine* husband flipped. He began asking where his dress was and this, that and the other, and I knew it was a mistake, because our son is just like me -- don't tell me I have to do something because I'll do the opposite just to spite you. Oh, did I mention that I was a pretty wild teenager and my parents soon learned to use reverse psychology on me.

At any rate, the next weekend, not only was he wearing the same earing, he now had TWO earings in the OTHER ear. Like mother like son!! I wasn't out in the garage for the conversation with my son and husband, but it went something along the lines of "if you come home with one more hole in your body," ... he was personally going to get a certain part of his anatomy pierced with a rusty nail.

If he did get any other piercings, we never saw them.

Reply by Charm_AL on 1/10/06 4:52pm
Msg #87421

Re: oh, I almost forgot ...

LOL Carolyn..same thing here, Jen got a chandelier put into her navel and a thing into the side of her nose, so ridiculous! Wait until she's 50 and feels like a dumb ass with a hole in her nose! My nephew is studying medicine and has his ears all pierced up, cartilage with dumb bell bars!

Reply by CarolynCO on 1/10/06 5:01pm
Msg #87423

Re: oh, I almost forgot ...

Our son is a DJ -- spins, scratches, 2-3 turntables and does to records what we would have been killed for doing -- he has to fit the image.

Somewhere along the time he was in college, he also came home with one of those upper arm band tattoos that are very popular. Hubby couldn't say a word about it because he has his Marine bulldog on his arm.

Reply by Bonnie_CO on 1/10/06 5:21pm
Msg #87431

Re: Secret to effortless child raising

I always thought I'd have problems with my now 19 yr old. But he proved me wrong during his teen years, he was actually pretty easy, although now he has several tattoos. I thought my 16 year old would be the easy one, we talked and still do about everything, but she has her secrets too I'm finding out. They do some of the DUMBEST things!
I agree about pushing them, it's hard to tell how far....
Beginning to wonder if i'll survive parenthood! Still have 2 coming up that are 9 and 7, another boy and girl. Grrrroooaaaannnnnnn! What will they have then? (ie cell phones etc, new technology). I don't know if I really want to see that or not!!
I'm almost afraid not to let her have the cell in case she gets into a situation she can't get out of so it's kinda darned (to be nice) if you do, darned if you don't!
Thanks for all the GREAT advice!

Reply by Bonnie_CO on 1/10/06 5:14pm
Msg #87426

Re: Secret to effortless child raising

I just don't know why the little buggers want food, clothes, shelter etc! Darn things! LOL! Loved your response!

Reply by celeste/ca on 1/10/06 5:40pm
Msg #87436

Re: Secret to effortless child raising

How did we ever survive without cell phones in our hands as young kids? I too have three kids as my oldest is 13 almost 14, and not once has he asked for a cell phone. We have continually told him when he has his own job, and he can pay for it himself, he can have one. I see it more and more, are young teens want to be adults without the responsibility of anything. Every parent has different ideas of what to allow for their children, so I am not bashing parents who give their children cell phones, it is just in our household that is something we won't give in on.

Reply by Bonnie_CO on 1/10/06 5:57pm
Msg #87441

Re: Secret to effortless child raising

We didn't give in until she started driving, we live in a kinda rural area away from Pueblo, and so allowed her to have one in case she was in an accident or the car broke down, etc. Although we did make it without one in our youth! At that time I couldn't even imagine having a phone I could carry around with me! LOL! I wonder if I could program it where it would only allow her to call certain numbers (??). It also has the GPS thing that lets me track her whereabouts, and all that good stuff on it, and I like that part! I ALWAYS know where she is! LOL! So it has it's good and bad, but the way things are these days and all the weirdos and things, it gives me a (probably false) sense of security to know where she is.

Reply by Stamper_WI on 1/10/06 5:53pm
Msg #87440

Yoyo and Bomerrang

They keep coming back......

Reply by ColleenCA on 1/10/06 6:11pm
Msg #87443

Re: Teenagers and Cellphones

We got them for our kids when they started driving. Believe me, they have definately come in handy! Now that our oldest is away at college, it is great to be able to keep in touch. As for the "bumps" in the road that teenagers sometimes have....I have found that wine is good for covering up the grey hairs -lol

Reply by Jenny__CA on 1/10/06 8:47pm
Msg #87470

Re: Cellphones

Perfect timing on this topic for me. I have been debating purchasing the TIC Talk phone by Leap Pad for my 8 year old. I like the idea of programming numbers that she can receive calls from or make calls to. For me perhaps it's that false security, I want her to be able to call me from where ever she is ( play date or day camps) if she needs to.

I also think that she is 8 yrs. young if I start now with a limited cell phone by 13 she'll want a more sophisticated one and I won't be able to "keep tabs" on her as much........I think I'll have to give in to that bunny she's been wanting instead.

Reply by BrendaTx on 1/11/06 11:48am
Msg #87587

Teach them respect, self-discipline and spoil them rotten

I provided mine $100 tennis shoes and $125 jeans, a pager (he paid the monthly bill),and other unnecessary trimmings. He had his ear pierced at 16. I refused to allow a second one. I was active in little league, prom and school parties, and knew the other kids' parents. He was provided three different vehicles between age 15 and 18. His dad and I paid his insurance until he was through college. We also paid for his college, he worked and paid for gas and beer.

He was spoiled rotten by all accounts. I was warned repeatedly by my dad and his lovely wife how spoiled he was...lazy...manipulating me, etc. "Excuse me? That is what kids do!" said I to this pair of Parenting School drop outs.

If you have a structure for them where they have responsibility that will go a long way against any "damage" done by a "soft" life like I provided mine. My sister raised her daughter in the same way I did my son with the same exact results. We both required respect as soon as they could talk. Mine was required to use respectful and polite language with me even as a toddler (who talked like he was 33). I did not do "whining" or tantrums...period.

When he was old enough to get into trouble he was required to get a job. At 13-15 in the summer he cleaned dog crap and bathed dogs at a kennel. Worthless, lazy kids don't do dog poop for money. Mine got to buy fun and cool extras with his money so he loved to work. At 15 he had a job sacking groceries along with cleaning kennels. And he has worked hard and steadily since.

Who cares where they learn the excellent work ethic and self-discipline...just so they do. I think it was best for him to have a job rather than a brow beating mother to be a slave driver he'd resent all his life.

He has not been perfect...by far not perfect and he has given me gray hairs, made me want to drink heavily or take narcotics, and he has had his times of just being a true genuine jackas*. Truthfully, though, he has been a pleasure 97% of his days.

Results of his life on "easy street": He's an employed college graduate who says he had an ideal childhood as far as he is concerned. me to town that "rotten brat" of mine invited my dad and wife, plus dad's two sisters stay at his apartment for five days while my mother was with me. With more than a little glee, I reminded them of predictions they made about my terrible mothering and about their host, that lazy kid they clucked tongues and whispered about outside of my presence. He was never like they said...some people just like to be critical.

And, finally, the big payoff is that he refuses to fill out credit card applications, he will not let this latest honey (or the last one) talk him into a diamond purchase he is not ready for...and he will not put on earrings.

Reply by CarolynCO on 1/11/06 12:44pm
Msg #87602

Re: Teach them respect, self-discipline and spoil them rotten

From a very early age, I quit buying clothes for mine because they would hang in the closet with the tags still on them. It was a waste of money. Instead, I would give him $100 and allow him to pick and buy his own clothes. His clothing style was what my husband called the "Joe Sh*t the Ragman* look. He was a skater (skate boarder). His hair was cut close to one side and the back of his head, with the long hair combed to one side and coming down to about his chin. Unbeknowst to us, the other side of his hair was practically nothing either --leaving the only hair on his head on the top. We found this out by accident once when he was going to a school dance and came out of his room with these foot-long spikes shooting from the top of his head. We allowed him to have his freedom of style because we knew that there was a lot worse things than his clothing style or choice of hair which has also been every color of the rainbow. During high school he was only allowed to work in the summer and weekends. During school he was not allowed to work during the week.

He was active in scouts and marching band.

He had his own vehicle - because if anyone was going to be walking, it wasn't going to be me. We paid for his truck and for the insurance -- he paid the gasoline. We told him it was the only vehicle we would buy him, so if he wrecked it, he wasn't getting another from us. He washed and waxed it daily because it was *his*. He drove it from the time he was 16 all the way through college. When we sold it, it had over 300,000 miles on it.

We taught him from an early age about alcohol and drugs. It must have gotten through to him because he was always the dedicated driver. We would get up Saturday or Sunday morning and there would be kids spread all over the living room whom he had brought home and not allowed them to drive.

When girls would get pregnant and the guys would dump them, he was the friend who would take them under his wing and give them support. He would make sure they got medical attention and was there when the phone would ring all hours day or night when they just needed encouragement or someone's shoulder to cry on --- unfortunately, we never gave him his own private line, so we always had to wake up for these call, too, since we have a phone right at our bed. He has been many birthing coaches and and there for many deliveries.

He was raised and knew that if he got arrested, he would spend the night in jail.

He certainly didn't wear a halo on his head, and sometimes our lives were anything but a bed or roses. He still has his own clothing style and is in the process of crossing all his "t's" and dotting his "i's" and opening his own clothing store and does his music at nights.

Reply by BrendaTx on 1/11/06 1:06pm
Msg #87605

Re: Teach them respect, self-discipline and spoil them rotten

That's awesome Carolyn. He was kind of spoiled also, then.

When mine was fourteen he discovered a nest of friendly, if not funloving and worldly young ladies a few blocks over. It got pretty important for me to make sure he was busy so I made him go to work at the kennel to keep him from sitting around with the neighbor kids and joining the others who were not working...they were smoking dope and preparing for dead end lives. We lived in a fairly redneck town where drinking was the main objective on the weekends.

During his freshman year he had to go to work because he got an MIP and I was not about to pay for him getting caught with a beer at a party. Texas officers call that Minor in Possession. He got a job at the grocery store and sacked a million sacks of groceries until he paid off that $500 or so.

Then, his grades improved. He got more mature. At some point I agreed he might need to quit working and he did. Shortly thereafter, he got another MIP and the next time report cards came out he was getting lazy and I told him to get back to work asap - he had another fine to pay.

He did and grades came back up. He was sooooo full of hormonal energy that it was necessary for him to be busy in order to be motivate toward "good" and not "evil." The grocery stocking and sacking gave him a social outlet at night and when he came home he did his homework. It was pretty physical and kept him moving (not an athlete !). This pattern lasted through college.

He just likes to work and to feel he's accomplished something. It's not for everyone, but he was all about working and being part of the soap opera that goes on in small town grocery stores. LOL...there is an underbelly of society we never know about unless we work tin a rural town supermarket. Oh yes...a real Peyton Place!!

Reply by Bonnie_CO on 1/12/06 9:59am
Msg #87812

Re: Teach them respect, self-discipline and spoil them rotten

I have to agree with your post. She does have a car, we call it the P.O.S, primer gray 80 something nissan, but it's got a brand new engine and runs as well if not better than our new cars.
I've been thru the cheerleader thing with her and all the running that involves along with girl scouts, youth camps etc etc. I told her she was a spoiled rotten brat, she wanted to know how I figured that since she works and spends her own money, I asked her how many of her friends take a cruise at least once a year, and how many have been to all the places she has, to which she hangs her head and says none. I tell her we are giving her these experiences now because we know that once she reaches adulthood, she probably won't be able to afford to do this for many years. I also like to expose her to the "real world" in some of the poorer countries. I think it is something she should realize is a fact of life for some people, not just a news story on TV. She was shocked in Honduras when we were watching some women doing their laundry, they had a #2 wash tub and a wash board, scrubbing thier clothes, she wanted to know what they were doing, I told her that was the only way they had to wash their clothes. I think it makes her realize to an extent what she does have. Honduras and Belize were real eye openers for her.
Thanks for all the great ideas and sharing of your own teen nightmares!

Reply by renee_CA on 1/10/06 9:38pm
Msg #87484

good topic.... good input......
Anybody want to trade a 13, 14 and 15 year old for a cute little 3 or 4 year old???
I also have an 18 year old - but he's pretty much human again (after the teen years)

Seriously.....
We decided that the time to allow cell phones was when they start(ed) driving (and that means they had to be able to afford insurance and a car first) which pretty much means they need a job first so they can pay for it all. The 14 year old insists he just can't live without a cell phone because EVERYONE has one but I haven't given in!!!

Reply by Jenny__CA on 1/10/06 9:48pm
Msg #87488

This past summer I told my older daughter ( 8yrs) she couldn't have something until she could afford to pay for it herself. Well she wanted me to accompany her while she tried to sell her art work for $.25 - $1.00 in our neighborhood.
She currently has $140 saved in her little red purse from money she's received for her straight A's . She doesn't want it in the bank, she likes the idea of counting it. :-)

Reply by renee_CA on 1/10/06 9:40pm
Msg #87486

oh yeah, I forgot to mention....
the 18 year old was in an accident and he called me from his cell phone while flipped up-side-down. I thought he was kidding but unfortunately not.
He is ok. Just a few bump and cuts but HIS car is a total loss.
The cell phone deffinately came in hand for him and me (to call 911)

Reply by Jenny__CA on 1/10/06 9:53pm
Msg #87489

Re: Wow!

Was this recently? My brother's cousin caused a terrible accident he had been on the cell phone , he did 2 yrs. in jail.

I am glad that all is well with your son.

Reply by renee_CA on 1/10/06 9:56pm
Msg #87492

Re: Wow!

Yes, New Year's Day - What a way to start the new year!!

That's great that your daughter is saving now - that skill will be awesome when she reaches her teens.

Reply by Anonymous on 1/10/06 11:30pm
Msg #87508

Re: Wow!

Isn't your brothers cousin also your cousin?

Reply by Jenny__CA on 1/10/06 11:59pm
Msg #87510

Re: Wow!

I have a stepfather, I've never considered my brother a "half brother" .