Posted by Jersey_Boy on 10/13/06 1:00pm
Msg #152338
OT: A Friday joke for ya.
An English Woman, a German Woman, and a Hillbilly woman are at a very fancy spa letting their muscles loosen up in the warm jets of the jacuzzi.
All the sudden there is a beeping sound, the german woman starts pushing buttons that are on her arm. She says "it's an implanted pager. VERY high tech"
After a few minutes there is a ringing sound, the english woman bushes a few buttons on her hand and holds her hand to her ear. After her call she say "it's an implanted cell phone, VERY high tech"
The poor hillbilly woman has nothing fancy to show off, but gets an idea and excuses herself to the ladies room. When she returns she was a big piece of toilet paper sticking out of her buttcrack. The other ladies point and say "what is that?"
The hillbilly lady responds, "Oh my, I must be receiving a fax... VERY high tech!"
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Reply by kellieco on 10/13/06 1:12pm
Msg #152343
Re: OT: Another Friday joke for ya.
A cowboy at a bar in Great Falls , Montana , orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I know. But that's OK. I have two brothers. One is in Billings , the other in Helena . I'm in Great Falls . When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.
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Reply by Charles_Ca on 10/13/06 3:20pm
Msg #152385
Re: OT: Ok you guy, here is a wee little one!
________________________________________
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
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