Posted by Sylvia_FL on 8/11/07 10:11pm
Msg #205116
OT: Wisdom (long)
This was posted to a list I am on.
Wisdom:
*Life isn't everything.
*The first hundred years are the hardest.
*Giving up caring is the hardest part.
*Living wired is the best revenge.
*God bless our wired home.
*On the Internet nobody knows you're not 18 and blonde.
*Chat rooms: where you can talk without putting your teeth in.
*Every day above ground is a victory.
*I love the smell of bedpans in the morning.
*Think of varicose veins as a 3-D tattoo.
*I wouldn't have any wrinkles if I was 5 feet taller.
*Who added Jack Kevorkian to my speed dialer?
*They say age builds character. Any questions?
*Never trust a funeral home with a timesharing arrangement.
*Life: birthstones, RollingStones, gallstones, headstones.
*Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
*Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.
*Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
*Old age is one big Out of Memory error.
*I've frozen and I can't reboot.
*I believe in granny-dumping. Leave me in Maui.
*Uh-oh... think I'm gonna upload breakfast.
*The older you get, the better you realize you were.
*Old age is a helluva price to pay for maturity.
*Nostalgia is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
*My friends may be dead but I've outlived my enemies.
*I never use snail mail. I don't know any snails to write to.
*At my age a mirror is a lethal weapon.
*Why is there a lifetime warranty on caskets?
*At my age just waking up in the morning is a thrill.
*I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.
*The Voices have assured me I'm not delusional.
*Question reality.
*Never trust a funeral home that has limited time offers.
*A friend in need is an enemy.
*Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
*Just waking up is a victory.
*Life is beautiful - then you wake up.
*First you're over the hill, then you're under it.
*Whoever named them "The Golden Years" was full of falafel.
*Old age is like a river. I have no idea why.
*Age doesn't mean a thing. Old fiddles play the best tunes.
*Old age is one long regret.
*I feel like an extra in Dawn of the Dead.
*Old age is a life sentence without a crime.
*Old age is like a cabbage, for some reason.
*Nothing makes you age faster than the thought that you're constantly
growing older.
*Senility is its own reward.
*Only saints age well.
*Old age is death without the peace and quiet.
*Welcome to the Golden Ghetto.
*Youth is a ripening. Maturity is a mellowing. Then comes spoilage and rot.
*Your old age is a parody of your whole life.
*I hope I never get so old I get religious.
*Old people are dangerous: it doesn't matter to us what's going to happen to
the world.
*I give good advice because I can no longer set a bad example.
*Old women turn into old men, and vice-versa. It's the final insult.
*Old age is the punch line to a joke you've forgotten the rest of.
*It's awful listening to old fools talk when you can't get a word in
edgewise.
*Living is the best revenge.
*When old age is in, common sense is out.
*I supplement my Social Security by working for the psycho-friends network.
*Gravity is my worst enemy.
*Only the good die young.
*With age you gain both wisdom and hemorrhoids.
*I almost remember being young.
*One starts out young and foolish; then you lose the young part.
*Youth is wine; old age is spoiled vinegar.
*Youngsters think they're smart enough the way drunks think they're sober
enough.
*Youth is enthusiasm; old age is a fine mix of pessimism and regret.
*Old people are frauds; they invent fine reasons for surviving in misery.
*Youth is a dream; old age is a nightmare.
*Youth is a time of missed opportunities - old age is the constant memory of
them.
*Youth is freedom, maturity indebtedness, old age irrelevance.
*The light at the end of the tunnel is flatlined.
*The spirit is willing, but the flesh is a bad joke.
*Inside I'm still 16; what the hell happened to the outside?
*If life hands you lemons, they make great missiles when studded with nails
and frozen solid.
*People need an OFF switch.
*Some people don't have the common sense to lie down and die.
*If you can't face reality, watch the cartoons.
*Die young while you can still enjoy it.
*Strange... I've gone from well built to well hung.
*He who fears age fears life.
*Old age is a never-ending swan song.
*Ancient ruins are considered beautiful-- why not people?
*Life is a joke; death is the punch line.
*Decay is just another form of growth.
*Boredom is the root of senility.
*Senility is the gateway to politics.
*I was born too late: I would have made a nifty witch.
*Sanity is largely overrated.
*Life would be better if we could just reboot ourselves now and then.
*There's a fine line between madness and insanity.
*Decrepitude: noble word, ignoble condition.
*I need a CTRL-ALT-HUG.
*Life is too short to worry about dying.
*If life was fun there would just be more people.
*Whimsy in the young is oddity in the old.
*Old age is an endless summarizing of a dull book.
*My... oh, what do you call it? ... isn't what it used to be.
*I'm so old my birth certificate has expired.
*Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
*The urologist here treats us as peers.
*They're recalling Firestones-- why not kidney stones?
*I don't suffer from bitterness. I enjoy every minute of it.
*Genuine stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
*Death before drooling!
*Life was that part between adolescence and obsolescence.
*Nobody survives old age. Nobody.
*The only way to attain great age is by starting young.
*In youth we run into trouble; in old age trouble runs into us.
*You are never too old to fail.
*Old age is when nothing is important and everything is vaguely amusing.
*Only wine and cheese improve with age.
*I'm so old my blood type has been discontinued.
*I outlived my doctor. Think about it.
*It scares me when people say how lifelike I look.
*I'm in the final scene and I still don't know what the play was about.
*They should have filmed "Survivor" here. The stakes are higher.
*There's snow on the roof and there's ashes in the furnace.
*Old age is a delightful mix of ugly, infirm and ridiculous.
*I'm 10% artificial and 90% pharmaceutical.
*Never trust stories about the afterlife from anyone who hasn't died.
*I blame my current condition on being born when I was.
*Life is forgetting: we don't remember being born and we don't remember
dying.
*Dying is the last thing I want to do.
*If your time hasn't come not even the best doctors can kill you.
*Death is nature's way of telling you to stop worrying about dying.
*Having birthdays is better than the alternative.
*I used to get rid of dust; now I collect it.
*I'm old enough to be a confirmed pessimist.
*People accuse me of apathy, but I don't care.
*Old age is a summing up of all the things you can never do again.
*Powerlessness corrupts just as absolutely.
*Trust everybody, but count the spoons.
*She who laughs, lasts.
*My whole purpose in life is to be a warning to others.
*Anticipate the unexpected.
*Realizing you're a failure early enough in life saves an enormous amount of
time.
*Some cures are worse than the disease.
*Anyone who smiles all the time is probably dead.
*So the meek will inherit the earth. Then what?
*Every prince I ever kissed turned into a frog.
*If you have no solution, embrace the problem.
*Be yourself. Then quit while you're ahead.
*If opportunity knocks, never ask for ID.
*Amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're writing a will.
*Life always comes to a bad end.
*Only death makes everyone completely equal.
*Turn up the music. Misery loves accompaniment.
*I feel like an ambassador to the afterlife. Without portfolio.
*If we're suppose to live this long why aren't we made of better stuff?
*When you talk to God you're pious. When you listen to God you're nuts.
*Small mind equals big mouth.
*I'm not elderly; I'm simply dying slower than most people.
*Violence is the first refuge of the stupid.
*Pessimism is the last refuge of the unambitious.
*Life is like a donut. It's... It's... ...? Well, maybe not like a donut,
then....
*Women are from Venus; men are from Hoboken.
*I could be pessimistic but I'm sure it would never work.
*I miss nostalgia.
*Half of all the people I know are below average.
*Life is a circle: we're born wet, feeble and ignorant and end up the same
way.
*My personal hourglass is running on fumes.
*Whatever happened to forgetfulness?
*Once I could stop a clock; now I can't even wind one.
*I have nothing against change so long as it doesn't affect me.
*Revivals: in religion a comedy, in theatre a tragedy.
*I was repossessed by the Tooth Fairy.
*Anyone for bridge? A dental plate?
*Life here is just one long Maalox moment.
*With age comes wisdom... and incontinence... and impotence...
*Out of sight, out of mind around here means blind and insane.
*Life: Hatched, Matched, Dispatched.
*Marriage: the time between "I do" and "Adieu."
*If God is a woman, why did she give me 3 chin hairs, like an upside-down
Homer Simpson?
*Don't blame me, I voted for the other one.
*Honeymoon: The time between "I do: and "I have a headache."
*I discovered the meaning of life years ago but forgot to write it down.
*Senility is really funny when it happens to someone else.
*We need wheelchair damage collision insurance.
*I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.
*My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
*I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
*Age doesn't always bring wisdom; it usually comes empty-handed.
*I avoid rolling blackouts by not drinking in my wheelchair.
*If it's nice to be wanted, what is it to be Most Wanted?
*Getting ducks in a circle is even harder. And forget about equilateral
triangles.
*Life is worth living - just not my life.
*Repossession is nine-tenths of the law.
*Sometimes I stop to think and forget to start again.
*Fame is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
*I may live forever - so far so good.
*Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
*Today is the last day of my life, so far....
*When your mind goes blank, have the courtesy to turn off the sound.
*Therapy helps, but screaming is more fun.
*Fashions come and go; cheap bathrobes are timeless.
*Young fools usually survive to become old fools.
*Most of my future is behind me by now.
*Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.
*Remembering the good old days is the sign of a failing memory.
*Elderly is when the present is tense and the past is perfect.
*Why do people who have nothing to say talk so much?
*These days philosophers write for t-shirts.
*Doing nothing all day is tiring because you can't stop to rest.
*I'm old enough to know better but too old to care.
*At my age whenever I smell flowers I look around for a coffin.
*I'm determined to live forever, or die in the attempt.
*Life needs no road signs since the destination is inevitable.
*All roads lead to the cemetery.
*Recreation here is limited to camping out in an oxygen tent.
*Ignorance is bliss and most folks are quite happy.
*I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
*Life doesn't happen in chronological order.
*The Book of Life is incomprehensible, plus there's no index.
*Old age is when you find yourself talking in proverbs.
*At some point I gave up trying to overcome despair.
*Consciousness is not all it's cracked up to be.
*Age is inevitable, misery optional.
*Experience is what you settle for when everything else fails.
*The last part of your life is spent revising what went before.
*Common sense isn't.
*I try to take it one day at a time even if it takes me several days to do
it.
*At some point you either reach your goal or wonder why it was such a big
deal in the first place.
*Old age is when boredom becomes a fascinating topic of conversation.
*People do not age as well as wine because meat spoils faster than grapes
do.
*Your life is a failure if your only accomplishment has been not dying
young.
*I don't want to die with dignity. I want it to be written up in the
tabloids.
*Life is a test. It is only a test. If it was real there would be
instructions.
*Life is like trying to get good grades in a course we never signed up for.
*Counseling is useless advice that you pay for.
*Imagination is what lets you fall off a cliff and invent wings on the way
down.
*Before television people used to waste most of their days thinking.
*Being in a Home is like living in North Korea: everything is organized but
nobody is happy.
*Anyone who wants to live to a hundred should be forced to do so.
*I am living proof that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks.
*There is a fine line between ignorance and stupidity.
*What scares me most about today's children is that they've forgotten how to
pretend.
*Make decrepitude work for you.
*I think I'm on my fourth childhood.
*Old age is when you still have life but you no longer have purpose.
*Incontinence is a weapon. Use it wisely.
*Society corrupts, and nursing home society corrupts absolutely.
*One simple lie is better than the most complex explanation.
*Old age is when gravity wins every time.
*Attitude is not everything: no snail ever won a horse race.
*Arguing with a bigot is like wrestling with a pig - you both get dirty and
only the pig enjoys it.
*Why is stupidity so much louder than wisdom?
*It takes a certain talent to live an entire life and still remain empty.
*Reality is all that gets in the way of true happiness.
*There are no silly questions. There are only silly answers.
*Everybody wants a long life, but nobody wants to get old.
*I consider myself quite unselfish: I've gone to the funerals of dozens of
people who will never come to mine.
*I live in the past because things were cheaper back then.
*It's hard to keep up appearances once your looks are gone.
*Bureaucracy is doing the unnecessary inefficiently.
*At a certain time of life the future becomes irrelevant.
*Youth is free - age we pay for.
*The most important things in life aren't things.
*Remember the 1950s, when men were men and women were virgins?
*It's always darkest before the doom.
*The greatest loss of old age is loss of purpose.
*Some days I can hardly work up the energy to say the hell with it.
*I am sometimes torn between apathy and lethargy.
*Smile and the world smiles with you, like some out-of-control toothpaste
commercial.
*I am comforted by the thought that we don't live forever.
*People send me sympathy cards on the grounds that I should be dead by now.
*What are the 3 warning signs of memory loss again?
*I'm thinking of starting an old folks' magazine: Popular Obituary
*I don't feel old. I don't feel much of anything.
*The only thing I exercise now is caution.
*I'd like to meet a man my age who wasn't dead.
*I've made no will. I could never get past "Being of sound mind...."
*Old age is when regrets replace dreams.
*What can ever replace apathy?
*Life: it's not the journey, it's the abrupt stop at the end.
*Obscurity is forever.
*I am an undertaker's worst nightmare.
*I scream, you scream, we all scream for Thorazine.
*My motto is: Excess in Moderation!
*Laugh at yourself - everyone else does.
*Apathy is the antidote to despair.
*The trick is to live a long time without getting old.
*Sin as much as possible while you're still able.
*Embrace failure and get it over with.
*Old age raises boredom to the level of a fine art.
*TV show idea: Xtreme Age.
*Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
*The more things change, the more you wish they hadn't.
*Suddenly one day middle age had become a distant memory....
*My days are long stretches of boredom and occasional moments of blind
panic.
*Old age is a punishment for missed opportunities in youth.
*Support the classics: seduce a granny.
*Never rush into sex. I was always glad I waited till I was a virgin.
*Life is just a phase that I'm going through.
*There are two kinds of people in the world: those who claim that life gets
better as you get older, and the sane ones.
*Life is just a phase that I'm going through.
*Power to the feeble!
*Wanting to run for public office should be grounds for disqualification.
*None of us here is deranged. We simply prefer elective realities.
*Misery comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
*The past is history.
*Sometimes just being exhausted takes all your strength.
*I don't mind giving away my age. How much do you want?
*Paradox > Orthodox
* Most days I feel like the Before in a fitness commercial.
*Whoever said You have nowhere to go but up died young.
*Optimism sucks.
*I knew I was in trouble when my warranty ran out.
*If death was fun we never would have made it this far as a species.
*My doctor tells me I'm DNR positive.
*Okay, I've reaped what I've sown. Now what?
*Morticians are only interested in your body.
*I've gone from a perfect waist to a total waste.
*I want to donate my body to science. Preferably bioweapons.
*A friend in need is an enemy.
*If I knew I would live this long I would have bought the motorcycle.
*AARP retired my subscription number.
*Chaos is merely unperceived organization.
*Patience is a vice.
*Deal with it. If you can deal from the bottom, all the better.
*Expiring minds need to know.
*Just did it. Sorry.
*Inanimate objects have feelings, too.
*Anticipate the unexpected.
*I'm not good enough to be a perfectionist.
*My life is in the past lane.
*Practice safe satire; always use a conundrum.
*You don't have to dust memories.
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