Posted by Charm_AL on 3/5/07 7:59am
Msg #178280
Good Monday OT...
went with the family to the two day home builders show here in town yesterday. here's what I learned....
Tools and their REAL uses
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes
you to say, "Yeow shit...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket
you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screw driver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also
be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using
this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to
a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened
30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to
quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying
to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber
or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Fascinating! I want to build!
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