Posted by HisHughness on 4/17/11 6:46pm
Msg #380183
This is an oldie but goodie
Actually, it transcends the term "goodie." It is one for the ages, the best anecdotal posting ever on this forum, and maybe the best on any forum anywhere. I read it, and I am envious of anyone who ever had such an experience. And if it's all made up, then I am equally envious of the poster's imagination. The post is from Angelina in Arizona, who I don't think posts here anymore.
Enjoy.
From Angelina in Arizona:
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I live in an area of southern Arizona that is known to have more... for lack of a better word, country folk. I have seen all types and have gotten used to dentures sitting next to my Notary Stamp, the dog that pooped on my briefcase (that one was hard to accept) and other strange and wonderful things that make people so very unique.
I pull up to a huge but extremely run down house with about a hundred cats running around everywhere. Now I am allergic to those wonderful animals so I immediately pop a sudafed and go to meet the borrower. She asks if we can sign outside because it is the only table and as she moves the hundred cans of open, half eaten cat food off the table, I notice the 'no shirt wearing hairy neighbor' leering over the fence. She starts screaming at him to go away, and yells, "Brother come and help me, Artie is hanging around again." The husband comes out and gets into it with the neighbor who goes away. I ask for ID's and start to get down to business. They are signing away, while I am trying to keep the cats off the table and away from my new briefcase which I am wishing I had left in my car and I notice that the neighbor is back. The wife starts yelling again...profanity and lots of other stuff and ends it with 'Get out of here you sheep theif!" Well that was a new one. I could not resist so I said so innocently, "He stole your sheep?" She looked at me with cold disdain and said, "Yes, he took Molly and had her over in his trailer for three hours before I noticed her gone." The husband nodded and said, "Yep, we had to put her down after he had his way," then yelling, you want to go back to jail sheepf*&%$#" Now that was sick but I didn't really have time to be grossed out yet because the wife started crying and the husband started comforting her and then they started a super make out session. I was ready to BLOW THE TACO STAND but I forced myself to take one quick look at the docs because I sure did not want to COME BACK. I notice in horror that there is a problem with the vesting. I cannot believe that I did not catch it. It says "John Doe, an unmarried man, and Jane Doe, and unmarried woman. They have wedding rings, they are obviously 'together', they have the same last name... Oh crud! I bring it to their attention and say, "could you please double check the vesting here, I think we will need to have this corrected." They look at it and say... 'Nope it's right". I am now befuddled... so I go out on a limb and say, well in my experience, a typical deed of a married couple would say.... yada yada yada. The man gets up and leaves and the wife says, "Oh we're married honey, but we're brother and sister and the &%$#$ State of Arizona won't recognize us as married." The husband comes back mad and says, "first Mom and Dad wouldn't come to the weddin and now the &%$#$ state of Arizona is tellin us that we aint man and wife... what do you think of that?"
What do I think of that? Did he really ask me that question? Was I really still there and not running for the car? Where's my Mace? Maybe I should carry a gun! Oh God I forgot to tell my husband where I would be... Is Artie looking at me? RUN RUN RUN... don't walk, RUN!!!
This is not a joke, and I haven't eaten since I got home.
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Reply by HisHughness on 4/17/11 7:49pm
Msg #380186
You asked. From Msg #51427 in July 2005
From AngelinaAZ
A funny thing happened on the way to a signing.
I am on my way back from the grocery store last Friday evening, my 4 year old son is in the backseat. We pass through a Border Patrol Checkpoint where they were doing an ‘increased security’ check where they ask for ID and peer into the back of the SUV with Flashlights. My son… the ever inquisitive one says… “What are they looking for Mommy?” I say, “Why don’t you ask the patrolman sweetie.” So my son asks him and the young officer says, ‘We’re looking for illegal aliens and weapons of mass destruction.” My sons eyes grow wide and I chuckle as he peers up at the sky in wonderment… Looking for aliens I expect. He asks the officer… “Will you take the aliens away?” The officer says… “Yes little man, we will” As I pull away my son asks me…”My daddy works on weapons doesn’t he?” I say, “Yep” He says, “Why?” And I say… “Well because that’s what he’s good at.” He says… “Do weapons kill people?” (I don’t want him thinking Daddy is a killer so I say… well kiddo, they can kill people but mostly they just scare people). I think I should have come up with a better answer.
So this morning I had an early signing and my son puts his special stuff in his backpack and loads it into the back of the SUV next to my briefcase. We are on the way to pre-school and we stop again at the Border Checkpoint. There is no big inspection this time so I just roll down my window to state my citizenship and my son shouts to the officer. “I have a liggle alien. He’s my friend. We put him in the back so you won’t find him and take him away.” Now the officers are totally on point. Two of them step immediately to the side of the vehicle and one points to the ‘go through your car with a fine toothed comb’ area and says… ‘Ma’am would you please park your car over there and shut off your engine.” I am stumped… speechless at what my son just popped off with and I get out of the car and wait for the officers to open everything up. My son is now getting stressed and he’s asking me…”Are they going to take away my liggle alien Momma?” Now obviously I don’t have an illegal alien in my car and the officers soon find my son’s Stitch stuffed animal (from Lilo and Stitch) and realize what the fuss is about. They chuckle... and I’m about to get back in the car when my son pops off with…”My daddy makes ‘weaponsass instructions’ cause he’s really good at it. His weapons sometimes kill people… but mostly they just scare people. We don’t have any in our car today though.” My mouth is kind of hanging open and the officer starts cracking up and says… “Well if your mom ever comes through here with any ‘weaponsass instructions’ in her car you be sure to let us know OK.” My son says excitedly…”Yep I will… woooo hoooo!”
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