Posted by NVLSlady/VA on 8/4/13 4:02pm
Msg #479226

Good Evening~ Found fascinating Read! n/m

Reply by NVLSlady/VA on 8/4/13 4:02pm
Msg #479227

Re: Good Evening~ Found fascinating Read!

But won't share (just kidding) . . . too fast on the draw

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201207/the-art-complimenting-and-criticizing

Reply by NVLSlady/VA on 8/4/13 4:03pm
Msg #479228

I know I may not have the right to ask n/m

Reply by NVLSlady/VA on 8/4/13 4:06pm
Msg #479229

OMG! See what only a few hours sleep can do!!

As I was TRYING TO TYPE: I know I may not have the right to ask . . .

But could we just take a little reflective time to ponder - without commenting?

Reply by Karla/OR on 8/4/13 7:55pm
Msg #479240

Re: OMG! See what only a few hours sleep can do!!

LOL, although I feel for your lack of sleep!

What a great dissection of Paula and Simon. Really made me 'look' at my relationships with others in my personal life and here on Not/Rot.

Admittedly I used to be more like Paula, complementing someone I didn't particularly like. It was a knee-jerk reaction to my inadequacies. Since becoming self-employed as a notary/NSA, my confidence has grown tremendously. I still often compliment others - often times it opens a dialog with my client.

I would never go as low as I've heard Simon go when giving negative feedback. I personally still believe in the old school of, if you don't have anything nice to say, shut your pie-hole. The option being, provide constructive criticism which in no way means cutting or demeaning in nature.

JMO.

Reply by NVLSlady/VA on 8/4/13 8:11pm
Msg #479242

Old school

Karla, This is making me crack up! You know those "lovely" surveys we asked the borrowers (nicely) to fill out while we're reviewing the docs after signing.

Well, I had a borrower who was extremely dissatisfied with practically everything about his Lender (he gave me a good review) but I couldn't get him to complete the survey (hope I'm not spilling here). Nothing I said - keeping it all very positive - they need constructive feedback, it will be good for other borrowers - NOTHING could get him or his wife to complete. The reason:

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

What was interesting is that he had a very noticeable writing impediment that really affected his signatures. I had to be very patient. No doubt his disability helped governed his reaction to offering criticism and affected his ability to show tolerance.

Reply by NVLSlady/VA on 8/4/13 8:14pm
Msg #479243

Can't understand why I'm thinking

in "past tense." I'm turning in!

Reply by MW/VA on 8/4/13 7:34pm
Msg #479237

Thanks. I think this is a good example of trying to balance

out our "opinions". I've found that we're a very opinionated society, and sometimes think it is our RIGHT to offer a critique in every situation. I remember the Pastor at church bringing that up. There are those who come to church to critique the Pastor, and decide whether they like him/her or what they have to say. We're not there for entertainment, and it's not necessarily an appropriate place for an opinion.
I have to say this tongue-in-cheek, because I'm a person with strong opinions. Thank God I live in a country where I'm allowed to express myself. I also make sure I'm responsible in how I treat others.

Reply by NVLSlady/VA on 8/4/13 8:05pm
Msg #479241

Re: Thanks. I think this is a good example of trying to balance

Honestly we can rightly agree on Everything on both sides of the critiquing issue - just human nature needs to have problem with the "balance" part.

I voiced my opinions unreservedly when growing up (amazing I'm still alive); my mother used to say, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." Well . . . sometimes

p.s. Interesting you bring up the church 'cause most of the points about personal motives and choosing the right time to say what needs to be said are all based on principles of Scripture - just like a mirror, can really see who I really am

Reply by JanetK_CA on 8/5/13 1:12am
Msg #479249

Re: Thanks. I think this is a good example of trying to balance

"It's not what you say, it's how you say it."

I think your mother was a wise woman...

Sometimes it doesn't have to be one or the other, when it comes to whether to say anything or not. Lots of people seem to focus only on the 2nd part of the phrase "if you can't say anything nice..." and assume that means to just clam up. My own mother was one of them. But following your mom's advice that shouldn't be necessary. It IS possible to talk about issues and differences with respect and kindness towards the other person, imho. And in some situations, by not saying anything at all, you may end up being part of the problem, having to live with - and possibly be upset by - an unfortunate situation that could have been remedied. But you'll never find out if you don't try.

My mother, bless her heart, tended to be judgmental at times, but didn't like to complain - at least not directly to the person who could have done something about it. But then everyone else heard about it for weeks. The classic example that comes to mind is when she and I took a vacation together to Chicago, where I was born and where she grew up, to visit family. She had very fond memories of "luncheon" at Marshall Fields as a young girl, so we went. Unfortunately, she ordered something that was way too spicy for her. (She was in her 80s at the time...) But rather than talking to the server about it (which from her would have been "griping"), she just sat there and complained to me. I suggested she send it back, but she didn't want to make a fuss.

Fortunately, the manager came by to ask how things were. I simply (and calmly) said that I thought my mother may have ordered the wrong dish because this one was too spicy for her to eat. The woman said "No problem. We can get you something else." She then proceeded to graciously ask my mother some questions about what she would prefer and they came up with a great solution. Mom was thrilled and the Marshall Field's restaurant manager created another happy memory.

That situation didn't deal with a personal criticism, it was about a situation. And it wasn't really about the restaurant in Marshall Fields (unless you're talking about the skill with which the situation was handled by the manager), it was about one plate of food. If nothing was said, my mother would probably have stayed angry and complained about it to me and anyone else who would listen for the remainder of our visit.

The point is that most criticisms people have about each other are not really about the person, but about their behavior - something which, if they choose to, they can control. And clamming up about a problem may avoid a confrontation, but it also doesn't solve anything. However, when you can talk about the behavior and not about the person, you can often find a solution that will be agreeable to all involved. When you make it personal, there's little chance of that happening.

This can apply just as easily to trying to negotiate about the scope of a signing with a client or dealing with a difficult borrower - or posting on an internet forum...


But it's all in how you say it! That's all from my soapbox for this Sunday evening...

Have a great week, everyone!

Reply by NVLSlady/VA on 8/5/13 8:46am
Msg #479252

I LOVE happy endings

Mom "Is" wise - just over the top sometimes

btw, Janet, my mother has no problem criticizing her food I'm always glad to see her enjoy herself. Now, my dad - that's another story. He may sulk a bit if portions are too small or waiter hands him a glass from the top (rim) - and none of us will enjoy our dinner knowing he isn't happy

p.s. Of course, there have been times when he couldn't hold back expressing his frustration; then the rest of us worried uncomfortably throughout the rest of the meal wondering if it was 'safe' to eat!