Posted by NJ_Notary on 3/22/13 3:50pm
Msg #462582

Anyone here experienced with dementia or family member w/it?

Ok folks anyone here have parents or family members that are experiencing this? I am placing this in this category since w/ dementia someone has to handle the finances, business affairs, et. al.

* What was your first signs your loved one had it and how did you have a serious heart to
heart conversation with them?
* What are you doing with them to cope?
* How did you approach them in regard to their business affairs that you've noticed slide
which is very uncharacteristic of them

Since this is a sensitive subject please feel free to pvt msg me if you wish. I'm curious to know how others are doing it since Im starting to see signs. I am also asking this forum since for the most part we are a well rounded group of smart savy business professionals that live thru honesty, integrity and committment.

Reply by Carolyn Bodley on 3/22/13 4:03pm
Msg #462583

NJ - it is a very serious and sensitive topic. There is a lot of info on the Internet. Also, check with your own health care provider about how to talk about it with your family member(s).

I believe that this topic needs to be moved to Leisure. Alzheimer's runs in my family, so I'm not trying to be cruel or insensitive when I suggest this.

Reply by Notarysigner on 3/22/13 4:55pm
Msg #462591

Agree but just, I have...three times but

too sensitive AND painful to discuss. Carolyn is correct, you need to bring in a health care professional. IMO

Reply by Mia on 3/22/13 4:12pm
Msg #462584

Have gone through this, and, am going through this at the moment.

* First sign was, not paying a bill, and not being able to do numbers anymore.
* My Grandmother had to be placed in a Nursing Home because she had broken
three picture windows (same window each time) -- she did not know what
she was doing. Dad, wasn't paying bills, and could no longer do his Taxes.
* Approaching them was a difficult decision. What we did was call the Doctors'
office and spoke with a Nurse -- told the Nurse what was going on and asked
for advice. Nurse said that we should set up an appointment with the Doctor,
& the Doctor would run some tests, and then be the "bad guy" & tell them
that they had Dementia (or not have dementia - but in our case it was dementia).
After the diagnosis, it was somewhat easy to talk about what paper work needed
to be obtained.

Remember something though, at the first signs of dementia - they are what I call
in and out.... meaning that they are fine for a few days and then they are not. So
as the disease progresses you will notice that they are out of it more frequently.



..

Reply by Stephanie Santiago on 3/22/13 4:23pm
Msg #462585

Mia - thank you for this info; I do believe my mom is on the

fringes of some type of senility/dementia.
My day went to a group support meeting weekly with other caregivers and was able to get some very helpful ideas.

Reply by Sha/CA on 3/22/13 4:47pm
Msg #462588

Good to see this here. It could be any signer! I would love

to see this subject expanded. I feel I can trust you all with the straight truth, in a safe environment, without any fear of advertising coming back to my computer. Your experiences are so valuable. JMO

Reply by NJ_Notary on 3/22/13 4:55pm
Msg #462590

Re: Good to see this here. It could be any signer! I would love

Thats why I posted it here Sha/Ca. Thanks for the the insight everyone. Im very intrigued to see others experiences etc. I was going to place this is leisure; however, since it involves work and business affairs and could be useful for our daily work I placed it in here. My apologies if I have offended anyone by placing it here instead of leisure.

Reply by CJ on 3/23/13 12:33am
Msg #462636

My mom.

My mom went to sail around the world about 15 years ago with her boyfriend (RDP). (If they were married, they would both lose widow's benefits.) ANYWAY, my sister stayed in close contact with them and took care of finances and mail. My sister noticed something was wrong when mom would forget about IMPORTANT things that my sister was supposed to be doing. For example, my sister was working on getting mom's passport for Australia. My sister called mom do discuss the progress she was making, and mom didn't know what she was talking about. Then my sister went to visit mom in the Pacific, and mom would keep asking the same questions. "Who's bag is this?" They would tell her. Five minutes later: "Who's bag is this?" When mom was telling stories about the past, she would say, "And then I would take the baby . . . " and my sister knew she was talking about herself, but mom could not connect that they grown woman there was the same baby in the story. Also, the boat they lived on was a mess. Mom used to be very neat. But now, she could not remember how to cook, how to clean the kitchen or how to store food properly. The fridge was full of uncovered, rotting food. Mom SAID that she cooked and cleaned all the time, but she could not remember that she was NOT cooking and cleaning. The toilet on the boat was not working and they were using a bucket.

My sister recognized mom's behavior as Alzheimer's, (she is not a doctor, but it was so textbook), so when she got back from her trip, she made an appointment for mom with the appropriate doctor (at UCLA). My sister got all mom's affairs in order and then flew mom here to see the doctor for "memory problems". She had mom sign POA's, and all kinds of things, but she discussed each page with mom thoroughly, and had witnesses there. THEN they went to the doctor. This gave "us" all the power. We did not feel that her boyfriend was really going to take care of her (he is a bit lazy and clueless). The doctor said she did have Alzheimer's, and gave her some medication. My sister gave the medication to the boyfriend, and then he (stupidly), gave them to mom, who took 4 pills and was throwing up. My sister counted the pills to figure out what happened. The boyfriend did not think mom "really" had a problem. He thought she was just being difficult or getting old. He thought we were making a big deal out of nothing.

Mom wanted to go back to the boat, but we made the boyfriend sign a statement that he would personally take care of her medication, and get a toilet, among other things. When we would call on the phone and ask mom what she did today, she would ask her boyfriend for the answers.

My sister was still worried about the situation, so she made another appointment with the doctor for 6 months later. We also interviewed care facilities. The boyfriend called about 5 months later and said he was overwhelmed and that he could not take care of mom any more. My sister said fine, let's bring her back for an appointment (the one she had already set up). By this time, mom understood that we thought she had memory problems (but she said she does not remember forgetting anything).

Mom and boyfriend came back, and we discussed mom staying here and the boyfriend going back to the boat. Ideally, we would have loved to have them stay where they were, and hire someone to take care of them since they both loved where they were (American Samoa), OR have BOTH of them here and living together, but the boyfriend did NOT want to leave the boat. So the deal was: mom stays here, and he goes back to the boat, and he would buy out her half in payments, and those payments would to towards memory care. (We had the facility all picked out.)

Mom has been a trooper at memory care. I think she is bored. She is more physically active than the other residents, (most are in wheelchairs), and more talkative. but she knows that this is best for her and she is safe there. They feed her healthy meals, they have memory games, they take them for walks, etc. We take her for outings as much as possible.

That's my story. I hope some of it helps you.

Reply by Ilene C. Seidel on 3/23/13 6:55am
Msg #462642

I was lucky my Mom knew when it was too much for her anymore, I had a general POA drawn immediately, over saw what she was doing with her checkbook by setting the bank account on line so I didn't have to pester her. When I saw she was struggling told her I would take over now she gave it up willingly. The car was another issue I tried taking from her a few times she became abusive I asked her doctor to help me he said it was my problem. Then at 93 (last year) when the doctor found out she was still driving went ballistic told her she had to stop. When she told me I grabbed it and shipped it to our Son in California. I was so worried she was going to hurt someone thank goodness she never had an accident in all her years of driving.
Now she has her good days and bad, I see her going down slowly.
You would be surprised try addressing the issue with your parents head on, they may relinquish the responsibilities easily. Good Luck

Reply by NJ_Notary on 3/23/13 12:58am
Msg #462637

Thank you everyone for your all of your kind words, suggestions and experiences. I must be honest I thought maybe I was being overly paranoid and a worry wart, but the more I observe and notice it doesn't look like that is the case. I cannot thank all you who responded here and privately enough. You have helped me tremendously.

We come on this board to talk shop network with other professionals, but we leave with new friends with similar experiences, concerns and gratitude. Thank you again! xoxoxo

Reply by AngelaV/CA on 3/23/13 1:58am
Msg #462639

Our first sign of Grandma's dementia was her friends calling us. She lived alone. (across the country)
My father in law (an only child) was in denial, and also lived in another state. She had some assistance with meals on wheels at first. Eventually my sis in law moved in and as it progressed, got more assistance. She said there are some great organizations. Even with help, my sister said she had no idea it was going to be so hard. Eventually they could no longer take care of Grandma at home and she was moved to a facility, where she passed away peacefully, shortly thereafter. On the flip side, my grandma had Alzheimer's and grandpa, her husband of 60+ years, took care of her at home until she passed. He definitely had help that came to his home, including my aunt who lived on the same street. Grandpa lived another 9 years, passing away in the same home (he built) at the ripe age of 95, in full possession of all his faculties.

Reply by BrendaTx on 3/23/13 3:21am
Msg #462640

I am not offended. n/m

Reply by anotaryinva on 3/23/13 3:18pm
Msg #462690

Re: I am not offended.

It's not always Alzheimers or dementia, with my mom same sort of issues but it turned out to be a brain tumor. Tests are definitely needed.

Reply by Chakwaina on 3/25/13 3:20pm
Msg #462967

It varies from person to person.

With my SIL Robbie & her husband (yes both) they became unsocial. His came on after hers. She would literally hit him in the face and tell him to shut up after he retired and work friends would come by. She moved the compost pile from outside to the kitchen counter. They would forget to show up at important things like weddings they were in. The mail box was FULL, had not been checked in over three months and they normally checked it every day. They stopped working the yard and gardens, something they had done together for years and kept beautiful, she wouldn't go outside any longer. They would not answer the phone or door. Buying the same thing repeatedly. Saying the same over and over. Not being properly dressed for the current weather.


With my current family member years ago (in her 40s) she would forget family members' names and literally just run down the list of all her siblings, children and grand children til she got to the one she wanted.

Most of the time it takes 10-20 years before the family notices. One family member had been married to the same man over 50 years and he was deceased. Her oldest child was in their 60s and she had been married years before he came along. When the family took her for her evaluation and she was asked, 'how many children do you have?' Her response was, "Why would you ask me that? I am not married and I am NOT that kind of a girl!"

You just be kind. Bring it more into the age and possible things going wrong such a car accident, or sudden unexpected health issue. Do not bring up any form of memory problem or dementia! The DPOA is being done as a precaution only and "may never have to be used"

Coping--Recruit the family to come in and help with "watching" but know you will eventually have to hire someone. You can not do it alone and they respond to strangers better than family. If you must use Medicaid or Medicaid Waiver--please be aware that when the loved one crosses over, the state will recover what monies they spent through the deceased's estate--period. Right now they go back 5 years from date of death and all gifts made in that time frame will be put back in the estate and sold to pay this debt.